Big Week

Deep siiiiigh.  This week feels overwhelming, and it's only Monday.

write, write, write, write, write

It's all good stuff - Josh starts his new job tomorrow, I have some meetings set up for for pursuing my Marriage & Family Therapy Practicum for the Spring, and I have a couple massive school projects due very soon that I'm wringing out my brain for.  Write, write, write, write, write. Bible Study, play dates, and coordinating child care on top of everything, I'm already looking forward to next Monday when I feel like I will finally have reasonable opportunity to go to bed at a normal-ish hour.

Ever have weeks like this?  When you feel bogged down before the chaos even gets rolling?  When you feel like you're catching up before you've even started?  That's how I feel right now.

These are such great "problems" keeping me awake and working at night, that it's frustrating just to feel frustrated.  I am loving everything that is happening right now...I just want to do a great job at ALL of it...and oh yeah, somehow there are still dishes and laundry and meals to manage.  Somehow I want to keep writing a blog and reaching out to you all as much as I can.  Somehow I need to find time to not only hug my daughters, but look them in the eye and sing silly songs.

There's a big week full of craziness ahead, and I'm so thankful I have a community to help me get through it.  YOU are part of that community!  Just reaching out and talking to you all is such an inspirational tool for me to keep going - this grad school thing isn't gonna just happen on its own, and every time I think about having a new story, reason, or lesson to tell you all, I'm motivated to charge on.

How do you stay motivated when you're feeling overwhelmed?

Sometimes, I just need a moment to recharge.  So often I think I have no time to stop and write.  Too many times I have excuses (good ones!) to abandon my calling or to avoid the challenging route.  I'm tempted just like many to take the easy way and let go of all the "optional"things in my life.  Blog, school, Bible Study, play dates...these are all options that I make for myself, to connect and grow - not just to fill up time in a boring day.  I'm so thankful for these options, and I'm grateful to how they are stretching me and forcing me to depend on God and friends like never before.

Here we go, big-week-ahead.  Life doesn't seem to be slowing down anytime soon.  I'm about to find out if there is enough prayer (and coffee) to see me through.  [There is.]

Victory!

Guys.  I'm starting this story at the end, and trust me, you will still want to read it after I tell you the best part.  Here goes:  The job search is over.  JOSH GOT A JOB!

I've had a bottle of champagne sitting at the back of my fridge allllll summer, and now - it's time to celebrate!  I am beyond thrilled to announce that after three and a half long months, my husband is going to be the Marketing Coordinator at a local, private school. Hallelujah!  Praise be!  Thank you, Jesus!

And now that you know the ending, just wait until you hear the whole story...

He first applied for a job at this school about 10 weeks ago (whew!)  It was actually for a different  position, and one that he was unsure of taking.  He knew he could do it, but if you asked him what he would truly want to do, what his gifts and desires were directing him towards, he would have told you his dream job would have been to step over fully into a marketing position.  Truth be told, it took a bit of a prayer and twisting of his arm to get him to apply in the first place.  But we prayed about it, and he knew our God was not limited to an application, and so he took yet another step of faith and wholeheartedly put his hat in the ring.

A good six weeks later, he accepted a position at Trader Joe's, a local grocery store that we love (and who's roots are in California, so it really felt like a piece of home for us!)  We are SO incredibly grateful to Trader Joe's, and we were bursting at the seams to tell everyone that he got hired there - except that, the day after he started there, the school finally called to interview him!  All this to say, we've kept silent about this job journey the last several weeks because we didn't want any potential employers to question the loyalty or schedule of what we were pursuing.

You get it.  Job hunting is hard enough!  It was the best problem we'd had in weeks - to have been hired at a (albeit, most likely temporary) position while interviewing for a prestigious opportunity.  We didn't want to confuse the situation by having "Found a job!" posted on a status update and muddling the unemployed waters.  So, thanks for understanding and respecting our roll-out of this info!

A couple interviews at the school later, and God shook the very ground we were standing on.  After interviewing Josh for a different position, the head of the school saw something in him that revealed the talents and passion he had for marketing.  It was one of the most affirming moments I've witnessed in his life, and I'm so grateful God placed someone at the right place and time to recognize and distinguish this in him.  Two more interviews (and a few more weeks) later...and it's official.  He got the job.

We are ELATED.  We are so so so so grateful.  We are blown away by the goodness of others and the goodness of God.  A year ago I would have told you that we would have NEVER moved here without a job, or that it would be impossible to do so, or that it would be irresponsible, or that there's just no way we could have survived three and a half months with no income.  But, here we are.  Because....because God.  The end.  Because we listened and obeyed, and really, really, really NOTHING more.  God made it all happen.  Only God.

And here's where I get real honest with you.  Here's the part where you are feeling all "oh, how nice that worked out for you" and I'm about to blow that thought right out of the water for you...so, just keep reading.

The night before we got the job, God told me something.  He said, plain and simply, "You know that if he gets this job it doesn't solve your problems, right?  Only I can do that."  I kind of brushed that off and said another prayer for the job, and then I BEGGED God for the job and then I thanked God and still said "but, please God, seriously, please let him get this job".  I didn't quite let what God told me sink in all the way.  I wanted Josh to get that job.  It would be A problem solved, and so my heart and mind were set on that.

Then, he got the job.  And, I felt relief.  I felt joy.  But...I didn't feel any more secure than I had the day before.  In fact, neither Josh nor I jumped up and down like we had in the past when much smaller victories were won (You got a call baaaack!!!!  You got an interviewwwww!!!)  Not this time.  This time was different.

Josh got the job.  Hallelujah.  But, that's not the victory here.  The victory - the moral to the story - is the three and a half freaking months that came before the job.  The miracle is the survival, the journey, the long road of impatience and questions and doubting.  The loving marriage that sustained the waves of tumultuous worry.  The food on the table brought by friends.  The cards of encouragement and support sent by loved ones.  The pride found in working a blue-collar job.  The strength of a family cared for by a community and body of Christ.  THAT'S OUR VICTORY.

I never could have guessed it.  Even a few weeks ago I could have told you what this blog post could have looked like - a long and relentless bragging about my husband and how awesome he is and how good God is for rewarding his efforts.  No.  Not at all.  Don't get me wrong - Josh is my hero - but, we're giving credit where credit is surely due, and that goes entirely to Jesus.

Here's something else - Satan hates it when we give Jesus the credit.  And today, just as we were eager to awake with feelings of assurance and celebration, we were spiritually attacked from all sides as Satan did his best to steal our joy and distract us from the goodness of God.  I'm really being honest here, gang.  Today was ROUGH.  Even my daughters were stressed out and overly emotional and the littlest things seemed like the end of the universe in our home.  Each one of us was in a terrible mood, annoyed and frustrated, irrationally snappy and completely out of sorts.

We literally had to stop in the middle of our morning and pray aloud in our living room to just invite the Holy Spirit to be present with us, to help us focus on His peace and faithfulness, and to not let anything distract us from the beauty of the moment and the assurance of God's goodness.

But, here we are.  We are here to CELEBRATE and let you know that God IS good.  Wholly good.  And the job is wonderful...but, it is merely a facet in the structure that is our lives as they should be lived out according to God's will.  We are grateful - but, not fooled by the false sense of security that money and benefits offer in this world.  We are humbled, and we are sincerely blessed by the long three and a half months where our faith was stretched far beyond the boundaries of our liking.

Thank you, thank you, thank you - to each of you who prayed for us, supported us, encouraged us, and fought the good fight through the victory of the wait.

God is using us here.  God has big plans for us.  God is good - really - all the time.

We're so grateful to celebrate God's goodness with you!

Nash-Fall

The weather in Nashville has been extraordinary lately.  A cool breeze in the air and the crunch of leaves under my feet is enough to make this Californian happy to be here (that's saying a lot coming from the land of weather-perfection).

With my birthday passed, school in full swing, and pumpkin-products-galore taking over the shelves everywhere I look, there is no question:  FALL is here!

Fall is my favorite.  You'll probably hear me say this at least a dozen times in the next few weeks as this short-lived window of transitional-weather-bliss continues.  I'm so happy to be here in the midst of seasons...something that California offered only to a very limited degree.  I can't wait until the leaves start changing color and I get to very-unscientifically explain to my toddlers the difference between summer (swimsuits and popsicles!) and fall (sweaters and pumpkin scones!)

This is such a unique season of our lives too - in the middle of our own transition, getting into the routine of my being a full-time grad student, starting back into Bible Study and MOPS and making new friends left and right.  Fall always has this nostalgic, in-between quality about it that feels like it is offering up a fresh start, though late in the year, right before the holidays hustle in with its stress and expectations.

What season of change are you in right now?  


Fall always reminds me of the changes and lessons that God has been teaching me all year long (life-long, for that matter) as well.  As I witness the color of His creation turning from green to brown to deep oranges and yellows, I recognize that my insides often feel the same.  I have new growth in my faith, new doubts and questions, and new understandings that enrich my life - I die a little more to myself, only to bring about a greater beauty that reflects His presence in my life.

I hope my life can be like one of those dead leaves, falling from the tree of myself, taking on a new look and a new purpose...nurturing the soil in a way that only I can be used, to present new growth for God's glory.  Nature is showing us all the time various ways to reflect the presence of Christ in our lives.  There are limitless ways God uses His creation to show us new aspects of who He is, and new ways to allow Him into deeper parts of our lives.

How is God using this season to reveal Himself to you?

I love Fall (I warned you I would say this a lot!) But, not just for the pumpkin spice lattes and scent of cloves that fill my home.  I love it because it's the most contemplative of seasons to me, the cool nights that are just right to clear my head and make me nostalgic, and eager with anticipation for the coming busy months ahead until the year's end.

Lord, help me brown, help me orange, help me yellow, and let people see the changes only YOU can bring in my life.  These are natural, beautiful changes that only God can cause.  Such a great reminder that I'm His changing creation as well, just like those falling leaves outside.

TBT: Crazy Pills

Today's TBT post is from April 2012...

Pretty often, maybe even daily, my husband and I will be watching our children, blinking hard past our exhaustion and find ourselves once again asking the same question we asked the day before: How do people do this every day?

Parenthood, that is. I mean, is it this hard for everyone? Are all parents just sitting in a daze all wondering if everyone else is wondering if it is this hard for them too?

The other Sunday, we were once again in the "wiggle room" with Daphne (8 mo) while Matilda ran amuck in nursery for the morning. While everyone pretty much keeps to themselves quietly, trying to absorb the lovely church service through the 45" plasma hanging on the wall, one can't help but observe others and their children. There was a sweet nearly-2-year-old girl just playing quietly while her mother nursed a new baby. They looked happy, well-rested and calm. Were they thinking the same thing about me?

I ran into the same mother in the restroom later, as we both changed our baby's diapers, and we quickly exchanged the names, age and birth experiences of our new daughters. Even though, by the end of our sharing, I found myself envious of her 1-hour labor story and sleeping-through-the-night 7 week-old (are you freaking kidding me?)...I still shared a mutual sympathy for her efforts. I think there is always an understood sentiment felt between women once they are ushered into the club of motherhood, and I felt that for her in this moment. That, even though I wanted to shout "You have it so easy!" I still could see the frazzled look in her eye, the worry in the tightness of her lips, and the nervousness in the intensity of her grip on her new baby that told me - she is still struggling to do the best she can just like me.

My children sleep so little that you would seriously

think I was filling their bottles with coffee.

We parted ways a bit awkwardly (as many encounters in the restroom can be) and I could tell I was headed in a different direction than she was. I didn't know how to end this conversation that went from "Aw, cute baby" to "how far were you dilated" in split seconds and now was curiously making its way back to normal-people-status. Uhhh. I wanted to say "It gets easier!" and leave her with one sturdy ounce of encouragement to make it through the next hour...but, literally, in that moment, I thought Does it? Does it get easier? I don't want to lie to this poor soul! It gets different, but so far it does not get easier! So, instead, as I was walking out the door, I turned awkwardly and just said "By the way, you look really great!" The end.

Yes, this was my awkward encounter with a strange new mother in a church restroom. But, you know what? She smiled. Mission accomplished. The next time you see a new mother in a frazzled state or looking discouraged...don't tell her it gets easier. Don't tell her to enjoy the moment or nap when the baby naps. Just tell her she looks fantastic and walk away. We need that. It's probably the one thing you could say that doesn't get old hearing.

So, this whole parenting thing - will it get easier? Let me narrow down what I'm talking about: exhaustion. Lack of sleep. Life progressing around you in a blur of picking up toys and cleaning spit-up. Surviving in warp-speed of tripping over laundry and get yet another meal on the table. Being. Tired. All. The. Time.

Am I taking crazy pills? Am I the only mother who is sitting here thinking "I really don't think other people understand"? Surely, not. So, then, are their children equally crazy? Do their children incessantly yell at them and demand their attention until it ends in a fit of rage and tantrum kicking? And then, of course, the next SECOND later the same children are smiling and saying "I love you mom-mom" and asking to read Cinderella again and SUCKING you back into that deep vortex of love that makes you want to buy them ponies and make home-baked-masterpieces that you only drool over via pinterest???

I see posts all the time of moms complaining/venting about how their kid won't sleep or eat or behave, etc. But then, I read further and find out that their baby woke up once during their 3 hour nap...and my head spins at the thought of having such a luxurious amount of time to fill with whatever I might choose. My children sleep so little that you would seriously think I was filling their bottles with coffee. Sigh. So, does that mom understand me? Does she look at me and envy that my toddler will eat her green beans? Does she read my posts and think "this crazy loon doesn't know how hard my life is!"?

Yes. Yes to it all. We are all taking crazy pills.

We are all exhausted in some area of parenthood somewhere, I just have to believe that. We are all trying to raise productive little souls that will be kind and grow up to make their own nutritious breakfast every day and not become serial killers who won't remember when Mother's Day is. We all wear clothes we have to wash and eat food we have to fix. We all work jobs that don't pay enough and drive cars that break down too much. We all have friends who we don't deserve, both good and bad. We all have crazy families who offer terrible advice and not enough help. We all are fighting The Man, the traffic and bad breath.

We will make it.

It may take a lot of coffee, even more prayer, and a crazy lady in the church bathroom telling us we look great to get us through one more day...but we will. We are parents. We are awesome.

Now, take two more crazy pills and call me in the morning. Cause trust me...I understand.