National Infertility Awareness Week: How to #StartAsking and Support Family Building

I don't know what it's like to receive a diagnosis of infertility. When it took me nearly a year to conceive our first child, my fertility appointment got changed to my first prenatal visit as I found out I was pregnant after months of trying. I don't know how devastating that diagnosis can feel, so I'm not going to act like I can understand what a couple is going through as they learn that news.

Many of you are like me, in the 90% of couples who are able to conceive within a year of trying. But, apart from actually having the babies in our arms, we are exactly like the other 10% of mothers and fathers waiting to hold their precious bundles of joy. We have felt the desire to want an expression of our devotion to raise as our own. We have known the gut-wrenching love inside of us waiting to erupt into the next generation. We understand the soulful yearning that echoes beyond our own purpose into something bigger than ourselves. In this, we are united. We are parents...with babies or without.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and it's a silent epidemic on relationships that many are too confused or uncomfortable to address. But, as long as we're all here on this crazy planet together, I think we need to do our best to raise awareness and support for those couples who are holding up love and patience in the wings. If it takes a village to raise a child, then the village helps now and not just after the pregnancy test turns pink.

You probably know someone who has had trouble conceiving or sustaining a pregnancy. Most of us know stories of miraculous conceptions, incredible adoptions, or IVF success. When we know a couple is trying, it can be awkward and difficult to know what to say or how to help. But, many times, we don't know the intimate details of a couple's struggle. Often, as the topic is sensitive and unique for each couple, we simply don't know who may be walking through this tender and challenging season.

RESOLVE.ORG is the website for the National Infertility Association and they've started a campaign to help #StartAsking how to support couples dealing with infertility. There is a myriad of resources and information on the website for couples, family, and friends who want to help with this issue.

Not sure where to start? 

Here's a great List of 25 Things To Say (And Not To Say) To Someone Living With Infertility

You can also learn about Fertility Facts here or Reproductive Facts so that you can educate yourself and build the support you or your friends need through this journey.

While I may not personally know the journey of infertility, it's a topic I study a lot in my research for helping couples and families. I fill in the gaps of my experience with facts and testimonies that help me gain understanding. And I try to empathize as much as possible, using other experiences I've had that remind me what it's like to have dreams crushed or hopes unraveled.

The feeling of disappointment is universal, so you have something to offer to this community even if infertility hasn't been part of your personal narrative. 

Building awesome families is close to my heart, and my own little brood was loved long before I held them in my arms. If you're reading this, you probably relate!

Pray for those couples still waiting in the wings, be sensitive and compassionate, and do what you can to learn more. You never know who God will place in your path that might become part of the incredible village that is raising our next generation.

For those waiting to hold babies... I love you. I might not know who you are, but your patience and strength are incomprehensible. I hope with you. I pray with you. I believe that God has placed a calling on you in this time and season for a purpose greater than anything we can know or feel right now. And I have faith in the Heavenly Father that the beyond-yourself-love that you possess will not go unused. I lay your desires at His feet and I wait with you.

Psalm 130:5 NIV
I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.

UPDATE: Below is a helpful info-graphic made by the team at OvulationCalculator.com who offered it to me to share with you! Check out their website for more helpful tips about #NAIW and how to #StartAsking.

Calling All Parents!

Are we ready to start a family?

This is the question many couples ask when they come to the crossroads of entering parenthood. If you are already a parent, then you know it's daunting to step through the threshold of having a baby.

In a new survey I've constructed, I'm evaluating that very topic: How prepared did you feel when you became a parent? I'm gearing up for a new project regarding parenthood preparedness, and I NEED YOUR HELP!

TAKE THE SURVEY!

I'll be keeping the survey open for several weeks, so please feel free to SHARE the link with your friends, neighbors, co-workers, family, that nice gal from Bible Study and so on... The more the merrier!

Your answers help me understand your unique experience through conception, pregnancy, and the first year after your baby was born.  It's anonymous, there's no "right" answer, and it only takes a couple minutes to complete.  Best of all, your input will contribute to helping couples in the future as they approach this sacred life stage for themselves!

Please encourage all parents you know to TAKE THE SURVEY and give their much needed input! You can even take the survey on your mobile device (woohoo for multitaskers!)

Thank you in advance - and be sure to keep your eye on the blog for future updates about this!

Five Reasons To Have A Birth Plan

Let me start off by saying (and meaning) this:  There's no wrong way to have a baby.

Photo from Daphne's birth by Mathieu Photography

My goal for giving birth has always been "walk away with a healthy baby that's mine".  If that's how my story ended, I knew I would be grateful and satisfied.  This didn't mean that everything would go how I wanted it to go, and it certainly didn't mean the baby would be delivered according to my plan (or anyone else's for that matter).

So, why have a birth plan?

Before my first baby was born, I over-educated myself into the illusion of security, learning as much as possible about nearly every birth-scenario so I could spare myself any surprises day-of.  But, babies don't read your plans or your minds, and when the time comes there is bound to be surprises whether you have prepared at all or not!

My first two daughters were spontaneous labors that went on for hours and hours drug-free, followed by an epidural, and ending in a c-section.  My third daughter's birth was a planned c-section, and while everything went according to schedule, I was glad to have thought through the day ahead of time.

Why spend all the energy and time thinking you are a hippie-mama going drug-free only to find out when push comes to shove (literally) that you turn out to be an epidural-getting drama queen?  Why sort through calming verses and meditations for soothing your anxiety and pain when you know you'll have an IV drip and get a c-section?

Here's why:

1. A Birth Plan helps YOU know what you want.  

You might not even know what your expectations are until you start to jot them down on paper.  You may have a vision (haphazard as it may be) for what the day looks like and still not realize that you have joy or disappointment hinging on small things like "wearing my favorite chapstick" when you are at the peak of a contraction.  A birth plan can help you sort through what's reasonable (dim lights) and what's preposterous (a tranquil haven that stays a perfect 70 degrees and silent with only the glow of a lavender scented candle to warm the setting).  It can help you weed through your ideals (drug free and natural) as well as your limitations and tolerance for what's acceptable (get.baby.out.)  Bottomline, you can't expect others to know what you'll need in your best/worst hour when you haven't taken the time to think through it yourself.

2. A Birth Plan helps OTHERS know what you want.

Even your beloved husband is scratching his head as to how he can best help you in your moment of dire need.  If you don't know by now that your husband can't read your mind, then I really hate to break it to you that your doctors and nurses can't either.  Even if you are planning a home birth with a doula or midwife, they are going to have questions about your comfort and pain management along the way.  If you are having a scheduled c-section, you'll still need to convey your opinions adamantly regarding things like cord cutting, skin-to-skin, and pain killer options.  Maybe you know what you want and you can easily inform those around you with the command of a drill sergeant.  But, for those of us not giving birth to robots, it will make it much easier in the long run if you have talked through your expectations ahead of time and how you prioritize those ideas.

3. A Birth Plan helps BABY remain the focus.

This seems counterintuitive.  How can a paper all about your expectations help keep the focus on your newborn?  Because the less everyone has to worry about wondering what you want and need, the more they can channel their skills and energy to that screaming creature who just entered into the universe.  If you can include choices about the baby on your birth plan as well, you can put your mind at ease knowing your birth plan can be easily referenced for your choices instead of trying to remember in the middle of it all if you chose salve-on-the-eyes for the baby or whether you wanted to postpone the Vitamin K shot.  A LOT happens just minutes after the birth, and you don't want the burden of "having to think" placed on your or your husband's brain.  Free it up so you can fully embrace the bliss of staring at that new little bundle of joy you just brought into the world.

4.  A Birth Plan helps HUSBANDS understand.

Sure, hubbies are included in #2.  But, more than just understanding your expectations, husbands have been (most likely) taking a crash course in all-things-baby since you announced the pregnancy.  Birth is SCARY - and that's totally normal.  It's a terrifying roller coaster of emotion to usher another human into the world, and your brain isn't meant to fully comprehend sentences like "What do you want to do with the placenta?" when you are just barely grasping the fact you took part in the creation of life.  A birth plan can help a husband truly take part in the process of labor and delivery, knowing how best his time and energy is spent in the midst of the wild ride.

5.  A Birth Plan helps MOTHERS in the future.

This blog is a perfect example!  Here I am, dishing about my own experiences, hoping to reach an audience of new mamas understand that their birth stories are important - no matter how the scenario plays out.  It's an opportunity to get to know why we think what we think about birth, share it with others, and help them understand their own journey.  Looking back across my three birth stories, I can compare them to the plans I had anticipated and grow from the story that ultimately came out of it.  It rarely goes how we think it will, right?  But, healing from disrupted plans can help us curb disappointments and turn them into lessons of hope for others.

When you are about to have a baby, it's easy to feel like the only person on the planet that's ever felt that way.  The more we can hold our expectations in our hands and learn to understand them, the easier it can be to let them go if the need arises.  After all, learning to adjust and adapt to the unpredictable will serve you well once that baby arrives (however that may be)!

If Men Were Pregnant

Morning sickness, stretch marks, food cravings/aversions, and those wonderful strangers who think your bulging bump issues them a free pass on touching your midsection.  Ah, the joys of pregnancy.

But, let's face it gals, as much as we cringe at the roller coaster of lending out our bodies for nine months' time to the newest love of our life, we also adore the perks it offers as well.  There's the extra attention, the excuse to cut into any bathroom line, and of course the wonder of it all - growing a real life human at the speed of light (okay, some days go by faster than others).

Pregnancy is life changing to say the least, and one of the grandest perks we get as women is the ability to lord our childbearing ability over our husbands the rest of their lives.  It's the trump card of all trump cards.  The be all end all of gender wars ends in the delivery room, no doubt.

But, what if the tables were turned?  

If Men Were Pregnant...

1. "Bump Gloating" would be an actual thing, bragging about how big their bellies could get.
2. They would actually try to get stretch marks, scars to tell stories about for generations.
3. Paternity clothing stores would have names like "Big Bill's Belly Barn" or "Business Bump for the Modern Man".
4. They would get highly visible tattoos of how long they were in labor, along with the baby's weight.
5. Natural birth wouldn't exist as an option.  Men who accidentally go through childbirth without drugs would be given Presidential Medals of Honor.
6. Paternity Leave would be 18 years per child. Paid.
7. Novelty pregnancy t-shirts would say things like "Mine's Bigger" or "Play Hard, Push Harder".
8. Bars would close and be replaced by ice cream shops on every corner.
9. The most popular Superbowl ad would be a Gas-X commercial.
10. The beer industry would always be competing for the world's best non-alcoholic beer.
11. All pants have draw-strings.
12. Gift Registries don't exist.  Instead, the Bass Pro Shop offers an all-in-one baby starter kit featuring everything necessary for parental survival that comes in two colors: black or camouflage.
13. eXtreme Lamaze is the new rage for birthing prep; featuring virtual ski, surf, and rock-climbing experiences to practice heavy breathing.
14. Baby Showers would consist of 5 minutes of high-fiving and 4 hours of video games.  (Call of Doody, anyone?)
15. Every birthing suite would include a giant flatscreen TV with a Sports package.
16. Car seat prices would double and there would be whole magazines published about high-tech strollers that men are constantly begging their wives for.
17. Baby name books would be two pages long:  a page that says GIRL and a page that says BOY.
18. "Morning sickness" would be called something like "Brutal Barfing Syndrome".
19. Cankles would be featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
20. Father's Day would last a week.


I hope you found this list funny [and not too sexist].  Comment below to add your own interpretation of how the world might spin differently if males suddenly took on the role of child-bearer!

Father Time

For Mother's Day, I wrote a post that was really for the moms-to-be, for the moms who might be aching to celebrate, for the women who have yet to fulfill their dream of mothering and are sighing deeply in the midst of waiting.

photo cred: Molly Snelson
www.mathieuphoto.com

Well, this one's for the dads-to-be.  The other half of the couple-in-waiting to are so often overlooked when terms like "trying" or "infertility" get thrown around as if it were as simple as waiting for an Amazon package to arrive on your doorstep.  But, it's seldom that simple.  And, while the wives get cards and girls-nights-out and encouraging pats on the back, men who are waiting to be fathers rarely get the chance to express their own frustrations and pain, especially on days like this coming Sunday.

While it will seem like the rest of the world will be waking up to coffee and burned toast in bed, lovingly unwrapping gifts of goofy ties and humorous coffee mugs...I want to take a moment to talk to the dads who are still eager to clumsily hold that baby of his own someday.  God is using this time for you, guys, and you are not forgotten.

When my husband and I were hoping, waiting, praying for our firstborn to be conceived, it was a strange process for Josh.  Not only did he have to balance his own dreams of what fatherhood meant to him, but he had to care for mine as well.  And, for the first few months, I took it upon myself to relish in the burden of waiting.  Meanwhile, Josh confusingly wavered between sympathy and frustration, not knowing how much of the emotional toll was really his to claim.  And, I was too focused on my own body, desires, and anger to allow him any room to grieve and process in his own way.  After all, I was the one who would carry the baby, clearly it matters more to me.  No, that's terribly, terribly wrong.  And, looking back now, I'm sorry I didn't recognize that my husband's lack of expressing his emotions was a source of protection and comfort for me, and not in any way a  sign of his lack of investment.

After a few months of bearing the roller coaster of "trying" (by the way, don't we all just hate that term?) we breached a new level of understanding.  I shared with Josh how every month I didn't get pregnant felt like getting rejected from a job I was perfect for.  Here was a position that I dreamed about, had all the exact experience, knew I would be a great fit for, could commit to, and would do anything to get...yet, when I saw another pregnant woman or got my period, it was as if God Himself was turning me down in the middle of an interview.  I'm sorry, the position has already been filled.  Thanks, anyway.  No feedback.  No reasons.  No explanation.

This idea clicked with Josh, and the power of the analogy shed new light on his emotions.  Maybe he didn't know the pain of hoping to be pregnant, only to have hopes dashed in a single bathroom break once a month...but, he knew what it felt like to get rejected from a job opportunity, and that brought empathy into our relationship in a new way.

While he was able to relate to my emotions, however, it was months until I started to truly recognize his emotions invested in the experience.  It wasn't that he was holding out on me or keeping secrets about how he felt.  Like most men, he genuinely was unsure how to interpret the feelings he was experiencing.  Waiting to become a father is twofold for men, emotionally.  If there's two duties for a husband that seem to be nearly universal in most relationships, it's the need to provide and the need to fix.

These are wonderful characteristics.  They are simple, direct, and often effective when paired with a woman's ability to nurture and engage.  But, when it comes to conceiving a child, they are of little solace.  Josh could not provide an explanation, and he couldn't fix the problem - month after month.  We were waiting on the hand of God to intervene, and (as are most experiences with waiting for men) his impatience quickly manifested as anger and inadequacy.

Guys, this is totally valid.  Those feelings are not wrong or bad.  And, while your wife might be in need of a hug more than you going for a beer with the guys and taking a jog to blow off steam - waiting is a time to take care of your self as much as your spouse and your future family.  But, don't stop asking God for help.  Don't stop telling your wife why your angry (and direct that frustration at your Xbox instead of your fragile wife!)  Don't stop growing in this painful process that has the opportunity to truly shape you into the man you will have to be when those 3am diaper changes finally arrive.  You are becoming resilient.  You are becoming adaptable.  You are becoming a father right now.

A word to my mamas-to-be:  You are not alone in this.  Don't forget that your husband is your partner, your friend, your strongest advocate for what's best for you...not just your babymaker.  He loves you, he wants what you want, and the more you can team up toward the goal of becoming the people God wants you to be together the better parents you will make in the future, and the deeper the experience will be for the both of you.  If you feel alone, if you're not sure how your husband feels, Ask him.  If he doesn't know how he feels, believe the best about him.  His feelings matter as much as yours do, but you have to listen (sometimes to actions more than words) before you can interpret what he's saying.

This Father's Day, my husband will be hugged fiercely by our two daughters.  To the point of annoyance and insurmountable joy.  Fatherhood has brought my husband more challenges and happiness than probably anything else in life ever could, and I'm so grateful to know him in this role so intimately.  Fatherhood didn't begin when he changed our daughter's diaper or even when he held her for the first time.  It isn't counted in the number of ties or socks or silly crafts he will receive over the years, and it's not comprised of even the sweetest moments of butterfly kisses or storybook readings.

For Josh, and for many dads, Fatherhood began way back when God started shaping Josh moment-by-painful-moment into the man our family needed him to be.  God uses time as an element of conception just as much as any biological essence.  Dads-to-be, maybe you won't be unwrapping any goofy ties this Sunday, and maybe you will have to wait for a while longer before your baby is in your arms, but your joy can be complete today.  You already have everything you need to provide and fix what's within your responsibility.  And, I pray that God's timing continues to mold your marriage, as He did with mine, to create a unity welcoming of the child he's preparing for you.

In the meantime, know you are not alone.  Know you are a craft in progress.  Know you are enough.  Know you are understood in your anger and frustration.  And, Happy Father's Day...right now.