Saturday, July 16, 2011

The due date has come. The due date has gone. Still pregnant. Yes, I know the statistics - many, many women go past their due date and it's no big deal and how you shouldn't be counting on it in the first place, yadda yadda yadda. Need I remind you how I've been measuring ahead for the last few months? Must I retell the stories of being asked four months ago if I was due to have that baby any day?
Stick a fork in me, people. I'm done.
I am beyond thankful for this healthy baby girl - for her (albeit, now torturous) kicks and jabs and nudges in my belly. I count my blessings daily (granted, it helps pass the time) of how she is miraculously still being woven in my womb by the very hands of God. And yet, let's be honest here, I'm desperate to meet her. People have been joking (myself included) for weeks and weeks how there is absolutely no possible way I will reach my due date. This includes the jests of Midwives, Doulas, other mothers and doctors. And (sounds of crickets chirping...) here I am.
Maybe it is also the fact that each night this week has been a giant tease. I get contractions off and on, get my hopes up, clean the house like a maniac one more time, and then go to bed only to find that I, once again, have to use both my hands to heave my belly up and topple out of bed another day. Last night was the worst yet...a good 9 hours of steady contractions at nearly 10 minutes apart...only to amount to a big heap of disappointment. Sigh. Ok, yes, I am fully complaining at this point. What can I say - it is depressing to get all excited, the adrenaline pumping, the giddyness of the "is this it?!" and the thoughts of how we will finally reveal her name to our family and friends...and again and again be put on hold.
In fact, that's exactly what it's like - being put on hold...times like, a million. You know the feeling - you've called the cable/electric/phone company, get the automated system, and then just sit and wait...only to get tricked by the voice that comes on to say how "valuable" you are to them and that surely you are the next person in line...wait, wait, wait...tricked!...wait, wait, wait...tricked again! Until, when you finally get to an actual person you've either entirely forgotten why you've called, or you've put them on speakerphone and now you are halfway across the room, or your child has started to wake up from her nap and scream and yell as soon as you get a chance to talk. Sigh. Yep - that's how I feel. I JUST WANT MY REAL HUMAN RIGHT NOW!
Ok, deep breaths.
I'm letting this go. No, really, I give up. This is my last strategy to get this kid out of my body. Complete surrender. I'm not vacuuming my carpet tonight. I'm not using the "fancy shampoo" thinking it might be the last shower I have for a while. And I dare not text my friends to remind them to keep their phones by their side so I can be the "girl who cried labor" one more time. No sir-ee. If this girl is coming, she'd better make it plain and obvious. Bring it on. I want some serious signs, sister. We're talking ACTIVE labor here. Let's do this. Until then...I'm praying, chilling, eating frozen yogurt, walking like crazy, and just making sure the house is picked up enough to not stumble over legos in the middle of the night. Fair enough?
God, if you could wrap up this whole "weaving a fearfully and wonderfully made being" thing soon, that would be extra great. We'd sure like to meet her. Thank you.


Sunday, July 10, 2011

It's six in the morning and I've already been up for a good hour. This is going to be one of those days when the phone is close to your side all day, when you move the kleenex box with you from room to room, and meal times come and go without your stomach even growling. It's a weekend wrought with emotion and eager to keep life moving into a new week that will bring blessings and trials of its own. In the present, however, I'm forced to live minute to minute and embrace the reality that one life I love is nearing its end on this earth, while another is on its way. My grandmother, my sweet Grammy, is in severely failing health. They've "called in the family" so to speak, and we all feel the presence of Christ drawing nearer and nearer. Meanwhile, my baby girl kicks in my belly, her due date only a few days away, and constantly reminding me why I need to be here and not on a plane to Kansas. I never suspected these dramatic life events would coincide, and it seems all too eerie and beautiful to be happening right now.
While we wait in this limbo, I can't help but coin a new term for what I'm feeling: Anticipatience. It doesn't need much definition. It feels like a bit of an oxymoron, being anxious about all things out of your own control. There is a lot of freedom in knowing you can't do anything about either situation, and yet, something so indescribably frustrating, something so natural yet inhuman to just be still and watch life come and go, literally. It gives a whole new light to "hurry up and wait". So, I sit here in anticipatience, trusting God and His perfect calendar.
Life is short. We all know this. We eternal souls in temporal bodies feel it most when confronted with circumstances such as this, (though rarely at the very same time). How do you sum up a person's life in a silly blog post? You don't. I won't even try. And quite frankly, I'm all cried out at the moment and it is all I can bear to just focus on making complete sentences. Let's just say my Grammy is extremely special to me. She makes the most beautiful quilts you've ever seen and absolutely hands down the best most ultimate lemon meringue pie in the universe. Her domestic talents are only exceeded by her spiritual gifts - her love of Jesus and the ability to worship Him through music playing the organ and piano like it is second nature (and truly I think it is). It weighs heavily on my heart to imagine this might be one of the last times I speak about her in the present tense. I love her. And while I know I should be envious of her drawing closer to meeting Jesus, I can't help but feel jealous of Jesus getting to see her before I do. I miss her.
While my heart is in Kansas, however, my ginormously pregnant body remains in California. The anticipatience I feel for my own baby grows steadily with each moment, each waddle, each flicker of a contraction. I want to meet her, I want to know her, and I want to start teaching her how to make the best lemon meringue pie in the universe as soon as possible. God is so good. I know this full well. I'm, once again, pretending to "hand over" what is actually already in His control and allow Him to usher in each minute with new mercies. Thank you, God, for keeping focus on our hearts as our hearts so easily lose focus of You. Thank you for my Grammy. Thank you for my daughter. Thank you for the certainty that no matter what, we celebrate life. If you ask me, that's worth the wait.
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