"I'm good at many things. But, I am not good at motherhood. This sucks."
|me. tired. and my beauties.|
Ever feel super crummy like everyone else has it all together and your parenting world is spinning out of control? Me too.
The day had started off so well. I got Matilda off to school on time. Daphne and I made actual breakfast together (eggs and everything) and sat and read storybooks until my vision blurred. I suggested we go to the library for some free fun, and that's when the day started to crumble.
The library was closed. I called around and find out every library in a 15 mile radius was closed. The baby started crying. Daphne was whining and disappointed. I fumbled for change in my purse as I suggested we go ease our strife with a drink from Sonic. She was thrilled, until we got there, and as soon as I handed her the grape slushie she declared she didn't want it, and her whining turned to grouchiness so fierce that even Oscar would have been ashamed.
By the time I got home, I was covered in grape slushie, spit-up, and a whole lot of frustration. I put my kid in her room, threw her some pop-tarts, hit the play button on the DVD player and walked out. We needed a moment apart, and I found myself huddled on the couch taking deep breaths and once again bewildered at the fact that someone so small and sweet can rouse me into such a frenzy that I want to punch a hole in the wall!
Children are demanding, irrational, LOUD, unpredictable little humans whose selective hearing and sporadic obedience is enough to bring any adult to their knees. They drive me crazy. They wear me out. And yes, I love them with the depth of love that is greater than my life and stronger than a hundred horses...but, man, it can be rough some days.
Can I get an AMEN?
This week I've talked to at least three other moms who did stupid things just like me, who got down on herself, who felt all alone in the guilt that we should have done better, who question whether they are truly the best person for the job and get to wear this insane title called Mom.
We are all surviving this parenthood thing, shoving our guilt out of the way most of the time to just get the next task done. It's hard and it can strangle your spirit if you let it. But, this guilt is full of lies and I'm determined to steer this ship towards honest and calm harbors.
Amidst my anger and frustration, a small voice echoed inside me. "You know it's okay to be good at other things too, right?" Hmm. I hadn't thought much about it. But, if this was any other job, I'd be able to shake off the terrible moment of the day and move on to a task I was better at.
Reality is, we are going to be terrible at this mom-thing sometimes. We have ugly moments and frustrating times, just like any other facet of our life. And sometimes it's okay to cry and be good at something else in that moment. It's okay. I promise. Your kid won't disown you.
I can do many things well. We all can. Truly. Those other parts of us are still alive and well even if we don't exercise those muscles every day. They shape us into the kind of parents we are and sometimes we have to go out of our way to stir them up and make use of them.
Nothing else in life is 24/7 like parenthood is...so, we're just going to be bad at it more often than probably anything else. That's just the truth (and simple math). Those weak moments? Those pop-tarts-for-lunch-watch-your-dvd kind of days? They are going to happen and they happen to everyone.
Motherhood is not what you do. It's who you are. So yeah, I'm gonna do some stupid things now and then and I'm gonna do the wrong thing at times, sure...but, who I am? Who I am is far going to exceed in the race of filling my kids up with the right stuff.
Who I am is greater than just the sum of my parts - the writer, the wife, the cook, the laundry lady, the maid, the gal who loves Jesus and needs Him every day...they all add up to an honest person my kids get to interact with on a daily basis, and with the grace of God I am more than I could ever have been if I tried to do this thing all by myself. Parenthood is an act of faith, no doubt.
We're gonna make it, mamas. You are good. You are good at many things. You are a good mama, even when you are more normal than you'd like to be. You are not alone.