If Men Were Pregnant

Morning sickness, stretch marks, food cravings/aversions, and those wonderful strangers who think your bulging bump issues them a free pass on touching your midsection.  Ah, the joys of pregnancy.

But, let's face it gals, as much as we cringe at the roller coaster of lending out our bodies for nine months' time to the newest love of our life, we also adore the perks it offers as well.  There's the extra attention, the excuse to cut into any bathroom line, and of course the wonder of it all - growing a real life human at the speed of light (okay, some days go by faster than others).

Pregnancy is life changing to say the least, and one of the grandest perks we get as women is the ability to lord our childbearing ability over our husbands the rest of their lives.  It's the trump card of all trump cards.  The be all end all of gender wars ends in the delivery room, no doubt.

But, what if the tables were turned?  

If Men Were Pregnant...

1. "Bump Gloating" would be an actual thing, bragging about how big their bellies could get.
2. They would actually try to get stretch marks, scars to tell stories about for generations.
3. Paternity clothing stores would have names like "Big Bill's Belly Barn" or "Business Bump for the Modern Man".
4. They would get highly visible tattoos of how long they were in labor, along with the baby's weight.
5. Natural birth wouldn't exist as an option.  Men who accidentally go through childbirth without drugs would be given Presidential Medals of Honor.
6. Paternity Leave would be 18 years per child. Paid.
7. Novelty pregnancy t-shirts would say things like "Mine's Bigger" or "Play Hard, Push Harder".
8. Bars would close and be replaced by ice cream shops on every corner.
9. The most popular Superbowl ad would be a Gas-X commercial.
10. The beer industry would always be competing for the world's best non-alcoholic beer.
11. All pants have draw-strings.
12. Gift Registries don't exist.  Instead, the Bass Pro Shop offers an all-in-one baby starter kit featuring everything necessary for parental survival that comes in two colors: black or camouflage.
13. eXtreme Lamaze is the new rage for birthing prep; featuring virtual ski, surf, and rock-climbing experiences to practice heavy breathing.
14. Baby Showers would consist of 5 minutes of high-fiving and 4 hours of video games.  (Call of Doody, anyone?)
15. Every birthing suite would include a giant flatscreen TV with a Sports package.
16. Car seat prices would double and there would be whole magazines published about high-tech strollers that men are constantly begging their wives for.
17. Baby name books would be two pages long:  a page that says GIRL and a page that says BOY.
18. "Morning sickness" would be called something like "Brutal Barfing Syndrome".
19. Cankles would be featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
20. Father's Day would last a week.


I hope you found this list funny [and not too sexist].  Comment below to add your own interpretation of how the world might spin differently if males suddenly took on the role of child-bearer!