My life is like a giant game of Tetris right now. Remember Tetris? Of course you do. A geometric nightmare of fun that you obsessed over on your Gameboy on long family road trips as a kid? Ah yes, Tetris. Every little piece fitting together to magically line up, only to allow more and more pieces to make their way faster and faster towards triumph or demise. I loved it, I hated it, and yet all I could do was keep on trying. Whew!
Tetris. Such a puzzle. So frustrating and exhilarating all at once. I feel that!
Between grad school coming and a clock ticking over my head with our impending move cross country, my life is a constant puzzle of new little pieces fitting together while rows and rows blink out of existence, only to offer up new and challenging pieces in their place. You feel me on this? Can you tell I'm writing out of adrenaline and exhaustion? Okay, keep with me.
Here's what you see: happy photos and status updates of announcing new and thrilling adventures for our family. Here's what you don't see: stressed out me in the middle of the night, lying awake in bed and combatting new fears with prayers of longing and new worries with a constant stream of information I have no control over. Here's what you see: hugs and happy faces and my girls beaming over living near their cousins soon. Here's what you don't see: the door closes and I burst into tears at the thought of leaving friends that have become family to us and a neighborhood and job that offers comfort and security. Here's what you see: confidence and obedience. Here's what you don't see: frustration and fear.
See it. Hear me out. This is a BLESSING, but it's not without its struggles. I don't want to sugarcoat this impossibly potent time in our lives by trying to tell you how easy it is. I don't want you to feel sorry for me at all - rather, I want you to witness the process and the vulnerability here that I'm offering an honest look at a real-life milestone, pitfalls, valleys and mountains of success and all. I want you to see the burden and strife and worry that I deal with right now so that when the day comes for me to shout "PRAISE BE" from the rooftops, you will be right with me understanding that it wasn't always so beautiful.
Gang, there is a big difference between doubt and fear. I have NO DOUBT that my God will provide for my family. I have no doubt that God will bring a job for my husband when we/he needs it. That we will survive and give God the glory for it. I have no doubt that we are supposed to move and that we are being obedient and trusting in the only unchanging thing we can.
BUT, I absolutely have fear. I am human and in constant need of the reminder that my fear (while, warranted) is not without defense. I have plenty of "reasons" to worry and give up and be frustrated and sad. It's just that NONE of these things are bigger than my GOD. None. (I'm clinging to this truth!)
I lay awake at night paralyzed by the unknown. And then, I turn over in my cozy bed and pull the covers up and snuggle my face down and think about my healthy, sleeping girls and my handsome, snoring husband who are just feet away from me. I'm literally LAYING IN COMFORT worrying about discomfort. Let's recognize the irony of this.
So I roll my eyes at myself and I think about the roof over my head, my full belly, my countless belongings and loved ones and friends and then the list goes on and on so long that I forget what in the world I was worried about. Counting my blessings seems SO SIMPLE, but not silly. I think about how ridiculous I kind of am for ever worrying in the first place that God might forget something if I don't mention it to Him in my worrisome prayers again and again and again. He doesn't. He won't.
God doesn't "just remember". God KNOWS. He's always known. He already knows. He's already taken care of it. All this should be enough to wipe away my tears and fears and eliminate any inkling of potential doubt that might be brewing in my heartburning chest...but, I still have to be reminded of it each and every day. UGH! Sometimes it is just so frustrating being human, right?! Bah!
God is fitting this puzzle together, one piece at a time, in HIS time. I can't force these pieces of moving to Nashville, I have to just wait and pray and actively be ready to participate as the doors open in front of me. A job will come. It's a massive puzzle piece, but it's not bigger than my God. The emotions that surround this move will continue to ebb and flow for some time. The ache of saying good-byes make this month one of the longest and shortest of my life.
God, keep your steadfast peace around my anxious heart. Swell my spirit with your Spirit and let the calm of Your presence keep me in the present. Replace my fears with faithfulness, and renew my longing for Your perfect timing. Thank you for your provision, protection, and peace.
And can a girl get a mighty "AMEN!"