Cry It Out: What My Sleepless Baby Taught Me About Prayer

Last night, we let baby Vivian "cry it out" a couple times in the night. Before you applaud or criticize, let me tell you that my philosophy for sleep training primarily centers around the idea that everyone in the house should simply take "the shortest route to rest". 

Sometimes this means nursing her for five minutes to get her back to sleep. Sometimes this means jumping up at her first cry to silence her before my other two daughters wake up. Sometimes this means turning up the whitenoise in everyone's room so we can hunker down into hibernation mode. If you've ever raised a zombie-baby (and this is my third) then, you can understand!

Vivi has been waking up every two hours on the dot for the last several weeks. At times this has fluctuated (as often as every hour, but only as long as 4 hours max) so yes, all that to say, I am quite exhausted. She's almost 8 months old, so the time of her "needing" food in the night has passed, but that doesn't stop her from needing me! I don't mind spoiling a baby, but when it comes to seeing her yawn and rub her eyes throughout the day because her own rest has been compromised, something's gotta give.

Besides, when I say "cry it out" what I really mean is "yell it out". This baby isn't sad, she is just AWAKE! She will shout from her crib and blab nonstop until she either crashes back to sleep or someone comes and sees what all the squawking is about. So, through all the "MAMAs" and the "DADADADAs" last night, I found myself praying and praying that she would find peace and comfort in our absence.

Honestly, I wanted to yell through the door back at her, "YOU'RE OKAY! YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED! WHAT YOU REALLY NEED IS SLEEEEEEP!" But, of course that wouldn't have done any good. She was fully convinced she needed me, whether for entertainment, comfort, or milk, she wanted to be snuggled up in my arms. While my mama heart was aching to give her all she desired, I knew that her needs were best met in what she could not see. The girl needed sleep, and if I had gone in to help her, I would have only stimulated her more which would have set us all back.

It was around 3am when it occurred to me how often I do this to God in my own prayer life. I shout my demands, telling God what I think I need help with, ordering my blessings like I'm reading a fast-food menu! Too often I am distracted by what I see (or want to see) that I totally forget the fact that God is working behind the scenes on behalf of my own good, to provide what I truly need. I'm bratty and short-sighted, while God is thumping me over the head with His Word and shouting "YOU'RE OKAY! YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED RIGHT HERE! TRUST ME!"

Well, God is much more merciful than that, thank goodness! He covers me in grace and I'm once again reminded at how many gaps there are in my prayers. I'm so grateful He fills in the blanks for us and has already set in place the provision for what will bring Him the most glory. I'm reminded how Oh yeah, duh my prayers are actually not a checklist for things I want, but rather a sacred communication and form of worship that connects me directly to my Creator.

Sometimes I cry it out. Sometimes I yell it out. Sometimes it feels like God is silent and nothing is happening and I'm stuck. And somehow my needs are met, all the same. God has already provided what I need, regardless of what I think I need. I just need to trust in Him. Wow, thank you Lord!

Now, when I hear that yelling baby in the night, I will try to focus on the presence of peace that will follow. I listen closely for the hush that follows the cries, for the calm that settles in after the confusion has faded. When that happy, well-rested baby wakes up in the morning, I am grateful that the temporary cries brought about much longer-lasting peace.

Psalm 66:19-20
But God has surely listened and has heard my prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me! 

Philippians 4:19
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Momtropolis: Who's In Charge Around Here?

 
Ever feel like you're running a small city of crazies? Wondering how you became Mayor of Loudville with skyscrapers of laundry and towers of dishes as your empire?

Welcome to Momtropolis.

Sometimes there are days when I get up on time, wash my face, make my bed, have the lunches already made, get the laundry folded AND put away, sneak in a phone call over nap time, and prepare an edible meal for my family before the sun sets. These days are RARE.

Usually, I'm fighting chaos. It's a valiant effort, but I almost always feel ill-equipped, underprepared, and utterly exhausted. I find myself overwhelmed by tasks and to-dos, beating down demons of insecurity and envy, and doing my best to combat mommy guilt or the disappointment of not getting enough done.

Sigh. Running Momtropolis is hard work, right? It's easy to ask "HOW did I end up here? WHY are these yahoos ordering me around? WHO is in charge around here?"

Kids are irrational little beings, demanding attention and needing constant supervision while incessantly asking questions as they explore new territories of the world around them. In short - they are crazy people. Even when the day runs smoothly, these tyrants are fighting for authority.

It's easy for me to look at my kids and think I couldn't possibly be the best person to be in charge around here. Surely there is someone better suited for the job, some other mother who they'd rather have bossing them around and teaching them with far more patience and love than I have to give.

Then I remember - Momtropolis is not a Democracy. My kids didn't vote me into office. They didn't have a say in what kind of mom they got. They got me. And I was placed here by the King Himself.

Momtropolis is a Monarchy. As a daughter of the King, I'm poised for the distinct honor of carrying out His purpose for our little domain. I inherited these blessings, to oversee with His guidance and protection. I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to totally blow it at times; but, my loving Ruler is consistently there for me to lean on and turn to and gain reassurance that He entrusts these things to me because I totally entrust them to Him.

I can't do this job without Jesus. Bottom line. I'm so grateful that I'm not the be-all-end-all final word when it comes to raising these adorable lunatics. I'm so glad my salvation doesn't depend on my ability to fold laundry. I'm incredibly humbled that my relationship with God isn't contingent on how well my kids turn out. It's these truths that offer me peace in the midst of Momtropolis. And, when I look around and feel lost in the middle of my own town, I turn to the King for direction.

Be encouraged, mamas, you Mayors of Toddlertowns and Babyvilles. You don't feel in charge because you don't need to be! You have a sovereign King who appointed you to your privileged position with the title of MOM, and He is there to provide you the support, guidance, and hope you need to make it to tomorrow.

Let this passage from Ephesians encourage you today:

I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit - not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength - that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all the followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love...God can do anything you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. - Ephesians 3: 15-18, 20

Early Easter: Teaching Your Kids About the Death and Resurrection of Christ

Easter is early this year. It feels strange, shopping for chocolate bunnies and hiding eggs before the grass even needs to be mowed. Spring break has sent me into a tailspin of parent-overtime, keeping my kids from fighting and trying to make the most of our time together while maintaining my sanity (no easy feat!)

It's easy to get overwhelmed by everyday life, let alone the prep for a major holiday. I get easily distracted by the pastel brouhaha that Easter brings with it. One step into any retail store and you're practically accosted with spring fever.

With Easter being this early, I'm particularly overcome with the responsibility of appropriately teaching my children the true meaning of Easter. I get hung up on nuances of doctrine or which passage to read to them, then I get frustrated when they won't sit still and listen or if they change the subject back to bunnies and candy. I worry about whether the Scripture will sink into their hearts or if the power of the Resurrection will ever make its way past their ears and into their souls. I get anxious about the story being too scary, too gruesome, or whether I'm making it too child-proof for it to have the impact it needs. Good grief!

Do you have these worries? Do you second guess yourself enough that you avoid the topic altogether? You are in good company, friend!

When I get perplexed by where to begin, I take a breath, I give up, I thank the Holy Spirit for His presence and allow Him to actually do His job (which I have failed at yet again). I don't know about you, but I'm a terrible Holy Spirit! I so quickly take it upon myself to drive truth into the hearts of my children that I can completely discount the power God has on their individual hearts. I'm so glad I have the privilege of being their mother - and not their Savior! 

Easter may be early this year, but it's always the right time for truth. I absolutely believe that reading the Scriptures aloud to your children is wonderful and beneficial. But, if you're kids are squirrelly like mine and you both need a digestible way to learn about Easter, check out The Jesus Storybook Bible. Our church gifts this children's Bible when babies are dedicated, and I absolutely adore it.

For Good Friday:
I couldn't find an easy online version of "The Sun Stops Shining" chapter which is perfect for reading about the crucifixion, so, this is the best I could do... (credit to Zondervan for the material below and hopefully they don't make me take down these photos of their beautiful book)

For Easter:
But, I did find this video version (below) of the Resurrection chapter titled "God's Wonderful Surprise" that you and your kiddos can watch for Easter! ENJOY!

When you feel overwhelmed by the wonder of Christ's sacrifice for us - let your kids see that! It is normal to feel strong emotions when we reflect on the truth about Easter. I do my best to trust God to fill in the blanks where I fall short as a parent. I know I can't perfectly dictate His Words into their little hearts, and I'll never be the example of His love that Jesus was.

But, this early Easter, I'm compelled to TRUST - wholly and completely - in His power, His perfection, His plan. Thanks be to God for sending His Son, for the death and the Resurrection.

Happy Easter - He is Risen!

Ain't No One Got Time For That: True Self-Care For Mamas

I'm really good at chatting about self-care. I have my Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy, after all. I have three children and put on deodorant today, for heaven's sake. I have a marriage that still makes me smile and remembered to schedule my six-month dentist check-up only 10 months after the last one! I mean, I'm seriously good at this self-care business, right?

If you're like me, you are great at telling others how to take better care of themselves, but slipping slowly down the sub-par slope yourself. Cringing yet?

As mothers, we deal daily in the chores of sympathy, compassion, care, and inevitably spread ourselves too thin across the needs of our family, all in the name of love. This is wonderful. This is often necessary. But, this is not sustainable. 

Yesterday, I joined a Bible Study that "I don't have time for", "It's just far enough away to be too far", "I don't even know if anyone I know will be there", "I'm not even sure what they are studying", and "I'm not sure I want to commit or feel obligated to keep going".

Sound familiar?

I can easily think of a million reasons not to go. I have plenty of dishes/laundry/cooking that I could fill that time-slot with. I didn't even want to tell anyone I was considering going in case I backed out at the last minute.

Then I remembered that in the last two years, God brought me through the absolute busiest time of my life. With two children, I got through grad school, held a part-time job, and had a book published, and somehow managed to not completely have my brain melt.

God was faithful, and while I have no desire to relive that kind of manic schedule, I know that He provides what I need when I need it - including time (and especially time to worship Him)!

I often forget that true self-care starts from the inside out. Soul care doesn't just happen on its own. 

I don't just feel joyful because of the "stuff" I have or the blessings around me. I don't just automatically desire to read the Bible every day because it's the "right thing to do". I don't constantly thank Jesus for saving me simply because I should. AND I SHOULD...but, reality holds obligations, deadlines, crying babies, phone calls, and dentist appointments that I allow to get in the way.

It's easy to think that something so basic as taking care of ourselves should come naturally. But, I'm here to tell you that it's OKAY to schedule it in. Do it!

You don't have to join a Bible Study. That's not necessarily the answer for you in the season you are in. But, how are you taking care of yourself? Wine nights with girlfriends and the occasional mani/pedi might be what most mommy blogs are urging you to do - but I'm here to ask, What are you doing to pamper your soul?

I'm learning how to do this right alongside you, mamas. I am thick in the struggle of balancing all the spinning plates while riding a unicycle, just like you are. I pray every day that I will appreciate this season, even through the groggy fog of sleep deprivation and the sounds of whiney children and the reheated cups of coffee.  It's hard.

But, let's remember who is truly spinning all those plates. It's not us. It's certainly not by my strength that my children get hugged and disciplined all in the same day. It's not by my faithfulness that food is on the table or the unfolded laundry keeps us warm day to day.

Give yourself the time-out that a mama sincerely deserves, and let us encourage one another to focus on the One from whom all blessings flow. We all got time for that.

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. - Jeremiah 29:13 NLT 

 

Merry Christmess: An Open Letter to the Internet to Back Off My Holidays

Dear Internet,

Yep, you, the whole Internet. Back off my holidays, seriously.

It seems you need a reminder of your role in my life. You are a tool. You are not judge, you do not care most or know best. You are there for me to use and not the other way around.

Internet, you've gone too far. In the past, I've let you question my time management, my parenting skills, my ability to cook, craft, and all things domestic. I've let you crowd my brain with plenty of bah-humbuggery the rest of the year, but now you got me questioning my Christmas, and that's just not cool.

Am I giving enough gifts to my kids? Am I spoiling them? Is it okay to lie to them about Santa? Is it okay to call it an ugly Christmas sweater if there's a nativity on it?!? 

In the last few weeks I've seen red cups become weapons of Christmas destruction, one mom's overflow of gift-giving be set ablaze by commentators, and a multitude of ads trying to manipulate my consumerism into "what's best" for my family. I can't take it anymore!

I'll give you credit for a few good things, sure. There have been toy drives, Christmas wishes, and viral videos of mall Santa's going above-and-beyond their call of duty. You can keep that coming, and in the spirit of the season, please don't feel you need to sensationalize the title of said videos with provocative script by using phrases like "You won't believe..." or "What happens next..." We get it. You want us to watch the video.

But, then what?

Internet, you are nothing without US. Without the doers, the watchers, the be-ers out there among the droves of holiday participators longing for a bright season of hope, you are as valuable as a lump of coal in Scrooge's stocking.

So, let's drop the attacks. Let's lose the judgment. Please stop the insanity of forcing us to feel. 

Christmas is already perfect. 

You only allow us to say "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" if we're being ironic, sarcastic, or fanatic...but that doesn't make it untrue. You don't get it, Internet, and that's okay. You aren't here to inspire us or even educate us. You are here to channel the best of what we are, with the hope of what we want to be. 

And that's up to us.

You can keep your cat videos and your pop-culture memes all you want. I'm just requesting you start to flush out the fear-mongering articles, the guilt-inducing ads, and the hiding-behind-handles commentary attacks that make us all want to set New Year's resolutions against you.

So, here's my effort. Here's my contribution to you. I don't care if one person reads it or it lights up someone's twitter feed. I'm using you in the best way I know how - to let someone stumble upon this and just feel one thing: not alone.

I want to extend a cyber-holiday-hug and let moms know that they're doing Christmas right, even if they forget to make nut-free cookies for their kid's Kindergarten Winter Party or use a bathrobe as a last minute shepherd costume in the church play.

I want to encourage people that this season of high emotion includes a roller-coaster of feelings that can dip down into despair, but still hang onto the hope of a new day ahead - that grief and sorrow are also normal this time of year, just rarely okay to talk about.

And, I want to exclaim tidings of great joy for all people, that thousands of years ago a tiny human came into the world when things were a total wreck (hate, terrorism, genocide) and a glimmer of eternal hope was offered to our unworthy souls that transcends all emotion and reason.

Internet, please stop making a mess of Christmas. The world is not worse off than it ever has been. The world is not less safe. The world is not less saved. 

Jesus is actually the reason for all seasons. Regardless of what season you find us in (alone or popular, rich or poor) I regret to inform you that what you have to say just doesn't matter.

You are nothing without us. And we are nothing without Jesus.

So, Merry Christmas, Internet. Peace be with you.

~pardymama

Fearfully Made: How Do I Live With Fear?

Motherhood comes with many things.  Love, awe, gratitude, patience, and selflessness.  These are the wonderful things I've grown in (sometimes begrudgingly) since I first set eyes on my own offspring.

But, something else that comes with motherhood is worry...and lots of it.  As my children grow, so do my fears.

It starts off small, checking on them while they are napping to make sure they're breathing; knowing where my phone and the nearest ice pack is at all times as they learn to climb; praying for them at school as they start to develop beyond my grasp.  And on and on.  Many of these things seem within my control, many of these worries are calmed by the illusion that I have the power to prevent them if I plan enough, work hard, and pay enough attention to detail.

Then I get on Facebook, or Instagram, or watch the news at all.  Turns out just about anything can kill us at any time.  I've seen reports about the dangers of flip flops for heaven's sake!  Articles about how babies get injured from this or that seem to inundate my newsfeed at all times.  Child abductions and horrible diseases become part of my regular checklist in praying for protection for my family.

And I am afraid.

Are these fears reality?  Am I crazy to be anxious about every little thing?  Is it okay to NOT worry about something, or does that make me an uncaring mother???

We can work ourselves up to the point of worrying about worrying and suddenly all the mothers I know are flooded with more anxiety than a chihuahua on Redbull!  WHAT GIVES?!

I can't take it anymore.  I am tired of being afraid.  I am over letting my joy be stolen by worry for things I do not have control over.  I am done with feeling the burden of fear when it is not mine to carry.

Psalm 139:14 (NIV) 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

The word "fearfully" here does NOT mean that I live in fear of the world around me.  The word actually reflects fear in the sense of respect and reverence (i.e. "fear of the Lord") and a healthy acknowledgement of HIS sovereignty.  We were made to hand over our fears to God - in full acceptance that His works are wonderful and we revere His divine wisdom to act in His perfect will.  

1 John 4:18 reminds us that "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."so I can rest in God's perfect love for me, reflect that in my life through faith and action, and rid myself of the fears in this world.

We can't worry about everything.  We just can't.  (Trust me, I've tried.)  It's exhausting and impossible and futile.  But, we worship a God who has no need for worry.  Not only can He take on all our cares and concerns, but He extinguishes them and can help us steer clear of them in the future.

My big secret to driving out fear?  Focus on His perfect love.  

When I feel the lies creeping up on me (you know the ones:  You're not good enough.  You're ruining your children. You don't deserve this.) I take a deep breath and pray to the God who made me to hand Him my insecurities.  

When I feel the worries crashing down on me (all the what ifs! What if there's a shooter at school?  What if it's not just the chicken pox? What if, what if, what if...) I read the Scripture or sing a worship song and refocus my thoughts to truths that are steadfast regardless of what the day holds.

We live in a fearful world that's ready to amplify our worries if we let it.  But we serve a God who created the universe, and nothing is too major for Him.  

Yes, there are terrible tragedies that many of us will encounter in this life.  It sucks.  I hate it.  I do not belittle pain or grief or turmoil that we each experience.  But, my hope is that we can encourage one another to not let those fears control our minds, hearts, spirits, or actions.  

So, when you see that fear pop up in your newsfeed today - stop it in its tracks!  Text someone an encouraging word.  Hug your kid.  Kiss your husband.  High five a friend.  Take a deep breath and drive out that fear with the perfect love God has for you right now in this time and place.  

And take joy in the thought that you are wonderfully made. 

 

The Three Words I Never Thought I'd Say

I know they say to never say never, but I really never thought I'd be saying these next three words:

I miss school.

I know, I know, I know.  It's ridiculous.  I'm only out of school for a couple months and instead of reveling in the fact that I'm free of homework, don't have to read hundreds of pages, or trying to shuffle my schedule to take part in a group project, I'm kinda sorta sad that I don't have class.

This is what you call transition.

I was just getting used to the fact of being labeled "student" again, and now I'm not. There I was, constantly under the burden of learning and engaging and regurgitating information, formulating ways to apply it in personal and professional settings, looking for approval from peers, supervisors, and the daunting grades that would post on my student profile, and suddenly I'm back to the "real world" with no scale for knowing exactly how I'm doing.  Whew.  

I gotta confess:  I loved it.  

There's no grading system for motherhood or extra credit for laundry.  There's no supervisor patting me on the back for staying up late with a kid who is throwing up or defrosting dinner on time.  It was nice to have an area of my life that was so entirely structured.

I liked knowing what was expected of me (syllabus), I liked engaging in deep conversations over topics I'm passionate about (classmates), I liked receiving praise for hard work I poured into projects that took time and energy (grades), and I liked gaining the encouragement from those who are far more advanced in the field than I am (professors).  Grad school was a wonderful little bubble for me to travel to and live in for a short time, and like most things in life - it passed by all too quickly.

What transitions are you experiencing lately?

Transitions have a way of making us appreciate the past.  Every milestone I meet in life comes with both grief and celebration, leaving me with that pit in my stomach that both longs for an encore of what has been and the anticipation of what is to come.

Just because you want something to happen doesn't mean you're going to like it all the time.

That's the grand illusion of transition.  We expect that if we have been waiting and wanting something to happen that when it does, we should only ever be grateful and thrilled that it did.  

But, too often I forget that honest feelings don't void gratitude.

Maybe you're not just out of grad school and missing the camaraderie of the classroom...but, perhaps you can relate to one of these:

When you get married, you miss being single.

When you break up with someone, you miss being a couple.

When you have a baby, you miss life before children.

When you send your kid to school, you miss them needing you all day.

When you start a new job, you miss the freedom of familiarity.

When you move away from home, you miss your family.

You get it.  Transitions in life aren't easy, even when you welcome them with open arms.  As a new mother with a new degree and a husband with a new job, I know I'm feeling transition in multiple areas of my life right now.  I'm so grateful we have an unchanging God who always knows which direction is up!

James 1:17 (NIV)

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

So, I'm 35

Today I turn 35.  Or, as I like to tell people, "If you need advice on being 29, just ask me, I've been 29 for years now." [insert obligatory laugh track here]

I don't understand time.  I hate it, actually, and it makes no sense to me that yesterday I was in one phase of life and today I'm in another.  Yesterday I could check a different box on an assessment form and today I'm upgraded to the 35-40 margin of a census.  Sigh.  Time is dumb.  Time is a temporary restriction reserved to this planet, and my soul is restless in its grip.

But, the getting older part...that I like.  Society might tell me to pick up a wrinkle cream and start cutting back on sugar, sure.  Media compels me to worry about things like retirement funds and cholesterol, fine.  But, as my physical body reminds me I'm no teenager, my mind and spirit charge full-throttle ahead in anticipation of what I have yet to know in this life.

My teenage years were heaped in wonder, doubt, and naiveté.  My twenties were full of adventure and wrought with insecurity. My thirties are officially halfway over and so far it's been a roller coaster of decisions, milestones, and deep rooting.

Most of all, I have found incredible joy in learning what I do not know.  Getting a Masters degree, while a great accomplishment, reminded me that there are realms and realms of introspection and revelation awaiting me as I grow as a person.  I am in awe of anticipating what's left to discover about myself and how God will shape and use that in my time on this earth.

To say this last year has been exceptional would be an understatement in my book.  It's not that long ago that I would have laughed in your face if you told me I would have published a book, received my Masters, and had a baby all in one year! (Yes, I'm exhausted.) With these milestones under my belt, one can't help but reflect and project with some concern "Um, what now, God?"

So, I'm 35 and have no idea what's coming.  We have three children, no jobs, 2 Masters degrees, and our knees are somewhat sore from pleading with God to know what's around the corner.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

At 35, I know much much less than I did when I was 20.  Because today I can calmly, confidently say that I know that there's so much I don't know.  I'm not insecure in this fact.  I'm not fearful or frustrated that there are uncertainties all around me.  Because of all the things I don't know, I know full well and better than ever before that my God has got me in His grip.

Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.  Proverbs 16:3

I can't tell you what the next 35 days hold, let alone the next 35 years.  But, I have 35 years to look back on as a testament of God's faithfulness and provision for me in this life.  As those days grow, I pray my trust in Him grows as well, allowing the wonders and doubts around me to blossom into His promises.

Thank you for my life, Lord.  Wring it dry with Your use.

This is Real Life

A diaper explosion/outfit change at midnight.  Kid #1 comes down with a fever by 1am.  A spit-up catastrophe around 4am.  Everyone is up by 6-something.  Kid #2 has a fever by 7am.  I have a doctor's appointment at 8:15 and the baby cries the whole way there.

This is not an exceptional day.  This is not out of the ordinary, not really.  This is just LIFE.

We like to think that these days come with extra patience and feelings of triumph that keep us on our toes when an inkling of complacency sets in.  But, really, truly, this is the nitty gritty that is the building blocks for all things good and weird in the world of parenting.

I used to think there was a chapter missing in my proverbial parenting manual when days like these would occur.  I would imagine other mothers caring for their less-whiny-than-my-own sick children and happily nursing in the middle of the night with the energy of an Olympian.  Somewhere around the second kid it dawned on me that maybe all other parents really were as tired as I was.  Maybe this is what it's all about - this rapid-action chaos that adds up into years that leap by with a glance.

sick kiddos

multi-tasking

So, here it is.  The junk you won't see on Instagram to shame your own crazy-laden-lives.  We got kids, we got needs, we got Jesus (hallelujah!)  This means life is a MESS and totally worth living.  This means spit-up on my clothes has value and beauty.  This means Redboxing Barbie movies before noon is an act of compassion.  This means typing this blog one-handed while nursing (true story) keeps me humble and honest and grateful for those other parents out there one-handing their own battles.

bills, burp cloths, coffee - YES.

my (grocery shopping) hero

Purpose rarely comes with glamour.  These days might carry stress and frustration, but they are no less marked with value than the happy, predictable moments we so often long for.

God, keep me still in these times.  Help me see the beauty in the mess and the value in the chaos.  Thank you for the trials and the triumphs, and teach me how to show my children the importance of both!

How to Grow a Human in 9 Easy Months

It's the final stretch!

I'm scheduled to deliver this baby via c-section on Sunday, August 16th at 9am.  (Mark your calendars!  Prayers appreciated!)  That gives me five days to groan and gripe and worry about all the things that will probably not go awry.

Looking back, sure, these last nine months have flown by.  It's easy to gestate a human when you have mere days getting checked off the calendar.  Since this is my last (to my knowledge) pregnancy, I've tried my utmost to caress my growing midsection with patience and gratitude, knowing these violent jabs to my ribs and aching hips/back are oh-so-temporary.

But, I'm ready.

From 6 weeks to 39 weeks! WHOA MAMA!
(Isn't the human body freaking amazing?!)

I'm eager to meet this little blessing in my belly, ready to smooch her face and nibble on her toes until others around me start to feel uncomfortable by my level of adoration (mothers understand this limitless ability to gawk at their newborn).

I'm ready to not be stopped in my tracks with Braxton Hicks or require a million pillows and a pulley-system to simply roll over in my own bed.  I'm ready to see my toes again and enjoy a glass of wine with dinner.  I'm ready to have my anxieties shift from pregnant worries to external concerns about parenting another new life.  Bring it on!

It bewilders me to think that only 9 months ago I didn't know what this week held in store for me.  That I thought my plate was full then, and my emotional capacity was brimming with everything I knew about at that moment.

But, when a new body grows within your own body, you start to realize how absolutely beyond your control most things are.  While this pregnancy hasn't lacked pains or challenges, I had nothing to do with the cell-building, nerve-developing, bone-growing miracle that took place right under my heart (literally).

I've always been pretty darn good at worrying.  It doesn't keep me from doing much, but it doesn't mean the fear isn't present.  Worry is familiar territory for most mothers, and it's step-sisters Doubt and Anxiety are always nearby.  They love to team up and try to steal away joy and hope and confidence, and if I'm not prayerful about staying aware of their whereabouts I can easily find myself entertaining them.

Then, I look down.  I see this giant beach ball churning under my shirt and I'm instantly reminded how I did NOTHING to grow this human.  Hands. Feet. Heart. BRAIN. All neatly woven together while I waddled through my day, working on school and household chores, showering and cooking, driving and walking, wolfing down cheeseburgers like I was making up for the vegetarians of the world.  All but ignorant of the minute intricacies that were being constructed atom by atom as my new little person formed within.

That's how I grew this human in 9 easy months.  I worried while God worked.  I trusted while God constructed.  I hoped while God created.  I don't know who this person is in me.  I don't know what she looks like or how she will act or behave or who she will grow up to be.  But, I've loved her from before I knew she existed - something else I've had no control over.

I can't wait to have this baby and introduce her to the world.  I can't wait to announce her arrival with triumph and celebration.  It's a wonderful feeling to exchange my worries for wonder, and as my final pregnancy concludes this weekend, I'm grateful for the last 9 months of ups and downs to carry this baby into the world that awaits her.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Let this season go down in Pardy history known as "The Summer of Change".

As a counselor, I can't recommend more than one major, life-changing transition happening at a time.  As a wife and mother, however, sometimes you just have to eat your own advice and swallow what life dishes up!

My husband lost his job in July. We're expecting our third child in less than two weeks.  I finished my Masters degree last Friday.  My oldest daughter starts Kindergarten tomorrow.  

So, here we are all at once, changing jobs, changing schools, changing rooms, changing roles, changing laundry, changing careers, changing routines, and soon enough, changing diapers.  Like it or not, CHANGE is the new normal in our home.

To say my heart is in a whirlwind is sort of an understatement.  On one hand I find myself weary and weepy and frustrated and fearful, totally in doubt of a foggy future that has been so scheduled for the last two years.  On the other hand, I feel giddy and excited and nervous, like every day has the potential to be Christmas morning!  (Not to mention pregnancy hormones are in FULL swing!)

There's no easy way to have faith.

That much I've learned in my short time on this planet; and no matter how many times my faith is challenged and stretched, it hurts.  Sometimes its a good hurt, like yawning so big my ears pop or touching my toes (something I have faint recollection of!)

Other times, it's a knife to the back, or the stomach, or the heart...completely debilitating and potentially fatal to my progress.  But, no matter how much I bleed out, it's not the end.  I just usually need a transfusion of the mind and heart to keep me going.  I need to flush out my own thoughts and plans and once again rely exclusively on the Creator's calendar.

Last week, I closed out a chapter of my life I never though possible.  I earned my Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.  There was a time in my life I wasn't sure I would ever get my Bachelor's degree, so to state this accomplishment is no small feat for me!  It still seems surreal, and I'm sure it will take a while to sink in that I don't have any more homework for the rest of my life!

Tomorrow, my oldest daughter starts Kindergarten.  She's excited and scared and a living example of all the emotions swirling around inside of my soul right now.  She's a feeler to say the least, and an expresser that puts my own transparency to shame.  The five-year-old lack of filter keeps me poignantly aware that she's standing on her own precipice just waiting to see what comes next.

Faith is my favorite oxymoron.

It's ugly because "having faith" means I also have the doubt necessary to need the faith in the first place.  It's beautiful because it functions regardless of my fears, fully dependent on the unchanging mercy that God continues to pour into me.  It's irrational, forcing me to live with expectation I have no evidence to hope for.  It's everything that keeps me going when nothing is giving me reason to charge ahead.

What changes are you going through in life right now?

Change is rarely comfortable.  Even when it's planned for, it usually comes with pains of progress or frustrations found through the process.  But, our unchanging God can do so much more through our changing souls than He ever could allowing us to remain comfortable and stagnant in our growth.
Deep breath.  Exhale.

Okay, change.  Bring it on.  Ready or not.  I freely abandon my own understanding and embrace the irrational courage that faith has to offer me in this insane season of life.  Lord, help your peace overshadow the anxieties I have, and help me and my family as we welcome the plans and timing you have for us!

Can I get an AMEN?

Verses For a Taxing Day

It's been a taxing day.  And I'm not talking W-4's and 1099's.

My girls (3 and 5) are just fighting.  Fighting allergies.  Fighting frustrations.  Fighting each other.  And fighting the plague of impatience that seems to have settled upon our house lately.

If you have (or used to have) little ones, you get how intolerably frustrating the sounds of whining, bickering, and demanding can be.  The incessant "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom..." echoes through my ears like a fire alarm that won't quit (and whose batteries you hope die out before you smash it to smithereens).

My sleep is constantly disturbed.  The to-do list keeps growing.  The rain won't stop long enough to reprieve our cabin fever.  The noise-level in the home is having a contest with my blood pressure to see which one sky rockets faster. You get the picture?

Needless to say, we all have our moments where we wake up and just think "This is the life I chose and love...but, I just can't quite remember why at this very moment!"

Take a deep breath with me if you can relate.  Exhale.  I don't know about you, but I need a big mid-month dose of PEACE right about now.  I need me a serious gulp of PERSEVERANCE followed by a chaser of HOPE.

Drink up the truth.  Throw it back like a crazy lady who lives in the reckless abandon of a Sovereign Savior who's got this nutty world in the palm of His hand.  Join me in throwing my arms up in the air and letting Christ have the last word on WHY I'm in this time and place and how it makes a difference.

I hope you read the verses in this post and feel soothed, energized, encouraged, and restored.  I hope you remember you are so not alone!  Taxing days come and go.  We may not always get all the sleep we need.  We may not always get the to-do list completed.  But we can always rest knowing He's got it under control.

Maybe you don't have toddlers screaming in your face.  Maybe you have far deeper struggles than you know what to do with.  We've all got taxes to pay for the life that we lead.

But, no matter if you're tackling a laundry pile or a mountain of strife, HE CARES.

I leave you today with this prayer from the book "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow:

God, you know my feelings are going haywire; they scream and shout that this situation is terrible and that there is no hope.  God, I hope in You.  I can't see what You are doing, but I trust that You're working this situation together for good.  Thank You that You have promised to use it to make me more liek Christ.  Thi sis what I want - it just doesn't feel good today.  Give me the strength to focus my eyes on you and not on what I can see.

Livin' On A Prayer (Whoa, We're Halfway There)

Sing it, you Bon Jovi fans - cause at nearly 20 weeks along...Whooooa, we're halfway there, whooooooa, livin' on a prayer! 

That's right, this third pregnancy is already at the halfway mark!  The baby is as big as an heirloom tomato and as long as a banana.  (Why, again, are all the sizes compared to fruits and vegetables?  I never understood this.  Can't she be as big as a bearclaw or as wide as a pizza slice?)

It seems all I get these days are wide eyes and dropping jaws when I reveal I'm not due until the middle of August.

On average, I would say 3-5 times a day I get asked one of the following:

Are you sure it's not twins?
Do you think you're due date is wrong?
Do you think you'll really make it until August?
How will you survive the summer?
But, again, are you very sure there is only one baby in there?

Yes.  Yes, I'm sure.  Yes, there is only one baby who is coming in August 2015.  Yes, for heaven's sake, yes.  (And this is the point where I smile instead of right-hook their face.)  Then, they abruptly follow up with a disclaimer:

It's cause it's your third baby.
It's cause you're built small.
It's cause it's a girl.

Huh.  I thought it was CAUSE I'M PREGNANT.

People, you are all so silly.  Trust me when I say that no one is more aware of how enormous I am more than ME.  I understand that your eyes immediately drift from normal-eye-contact to belly-staring-awkwardness as soon as you encounter me.

But, please, for heaven's sakes believe me when I tell you the facts about my own body instead of instantly second-guessing whether I am delusional, in denial, or grossly under-educated in biology.

This belly's got a long way to go.  It's gonna grow.  It's gonna take over my balance and most of my brain.  It's gonna be in the way, knock things over, and freak you out if a bit of it peeks out from under a too-small shirt I'm unwilling to part with yet.  It's gonna catch crumbs, hit the steering wheel, and hoist up my boobs (which aren't getting any smaller either, by the way).

I'm cool with it.  I'm loving it (most of it).  I'm dealing with it as well as anything - living on a prayer full of fear and grace that will get me from one day to the next.  One week to the next.  One month to the next.

If my growing being makes you wonder about the miracle of life, ponder the intricacies of anatomy, or stand in utter shock at the awe of how I seemingly defy the laws of physics - go for it.  Gawk away.

But please, gawk in awe of the Creator.  Give that jaw-dropping glory to He who is weaving the unformed before your very eyes.  Bug those eyes out at the God of the Universe who takes the time to build cells into a heart, brain, kidneys, and little fingers with prints as unique as a snowflake.

Now, that is something that will forever amaze me.  That, my friend, is something we can awkwardly stand looking astonished together, with gaping mouths wide open.

Twenty more weeks.  Hallelujah, bring it on.

Stormy Weather

It's rained a lot here lately.  It seems like the chance of rain is always looming, and while it's been a refreshing break from the heat, it makes for an unpredictable day of weather.  Should I bring the umbrella?  Do I wear the rainboots?  Can we schedule the get together on the patio?  etc.

These are not difficult questions.  They barely interrupt my day, and are merely annoying at worst.  But, then, night comes and thunder booms and tornado warnings scroll across the bottom of my TV.  There's always a chance it gets worse.  There's always a possibility this downpour turns into something scary.

Sometimes life can feel like that - like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Do you know this feeling?  Just because the storm missed us last night, doesn't mean we'll be the lucky ones next time.  I can play a superstitious game with myself, thinking that I had something to do with my own good fortune, when most of the time it was just the blessing of God's protection and fortunate wind in the right direction.

Reality is, nothing keeps me from misfortune...but, nothing separates me from God either.

A lot of life happens within the boundaries of two questions:
Why me?
Why not me?

I don't know about you, but too often I'm asking one of those questions.  Something good or bad happens to me or someone I know, and all of a sudden my mind is struck with winds of doubt, and my worries are blown out of proportion to my God.  Bottom-line reminder:  GOD IS BIGGER.

God is bigger than my needs.  God is bigger than my loss.  God is bigger than my questions.  God is bigger than my understand, my hope, or my fears.  God is bigger.  He cares, He's in control, and He is never changing or leaving.

As I look out the rain-streaked window, I notice how blurry and confusing the outside world appears.  It's splotchy and unclear, and I lack the whole picture by just looking through the frame I have.  God is clarity.  He's all-knowing and all-caring, and by trusting in Him I can put aside my silly superstitions and wholeheartedly believe that the clouds will part soon.

Sometimes it rains.  Sometimes it pours.  But, thank goodness, our hope is not in a "sometimes" God.

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand.

Control

Some nights, I just can't sleep.  It's no wonder my girls are zombies since I'm a terrible sleeper myself (thanks, insomniac gene pool!)  It is not rare for me to get up in the middle of the night after tossing and turning and attempt to relax or even be productive.  No doubt, many blogs have been written in the wee hours of the morning.

Last night, though, after catching up on some reading homework for school, I needed to reset my mind.  Nighttime tends to be highly emotional or worrisome for many of us, and I'm no exception.  If I let my mind wander, it usually ends up in worst-case-scenarios or jumping-to-conclusions or guilt-ridden-doubts...not exactly conducive to sweet dreams!  (Ya hear me?)

There's only one reliable source I know to turn to where I can always calm my anxious heart and find peace, and that's the Word of God.  Too often I turn to it as a last resort rather than my first resource...but, last night was a perfectly timed reminder that it is absolutely the best place to seek my refuge.

Sometimes I feel like I avoid the Bible because it seems too daunting - I don't know where to start reading.  It seems confusing.  I don't want to think that hard, I just need hope right now.  Do you ever feel this way?  I know I'm not alone in this!  Even after years of studying it and reading it, I have to combat doubts that keep me from it's active, living truths.  Then, as soon as I start reading it, all those doubts drift away.  The Holy Spirit breaths new life into the words my eyes see and my heart starts to interpret the truths before me.

It's not always tranquility and hope that stir my soul.  Sometimes, it's conviction.  The active, living Word of God is meant to MOVE us, to get us looking inward, outward, and putting into practice the faith it restores.  For some reason, I was led to read Galatians last night.  I chose The Message translation because it was 3am...and my brain needed to just rest in the easy absorption of a new lesson.

Anyway - it moved me.  It reminded me IN BOLD PRINT that I'm not in control.  It spoke to me so clearly that it might as well have begun "And, EMILY, this is for you..."  So, I'm sharing it with you today, hoping some of these words are meant to hit home for you as well.  I encourage you to read the whole chapter, the whole book of Galations...well, the whole book of the Bible for that matter!  But, for right now, just let God rock your heart with these verses below.

Letting go of control is a heck of a way to kick off the week!  So, here we go:

Paraphrased from The Message, Galatians 3:

2 Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God’s Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren’t smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it?…
5 Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you?…
11The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him.

Classy Gal

Back to School!

Just weeks ago, I crossed a major threshold in my education and met the halfway point in my Masters Degree!  Last night I officially became a "Second Year" student in the Marriage & Family Therapy program, stepping ever closer to my goal.

Whoa.  Guys.  The first night of class is always overwhelming, and last night was no exception.  I've had many "first days of school" and yet it felt like the first time all over again as I held the fire hose - err, I mean Syllabus - and felt my brain numb inside my skull.

Assessments, Exams, Papers, Interviews, Videos, Community engagement, and books upon books of reading to accomplish.  Really?  All of this will get done in the coming weeks?  By me?

Yes. It will.  But, not without your support.  All of you - any of you - who read PARDYMAMA and reach out to me and pray for me and encourage me to no end....we are on the home stretch!  The final year is here!  But, at this very moment I can not imagine it all getting done.  The mountain is before me, and I'm weary, and I'm in awe, and I'm oh-so-curious what is on the other side.

I struggle with the insignificancy of my life/complaints/happenings/problems/issues.  I know that there are insanely unexplainable horrific things happening in the world that are far, far, far more urgent and important than my needs.  I am beyond blessed, and it feels selfish to pray for myself amidst the news that surrounds us all of someone else's pain or persecution.

But, our God is bigger than it all.  God is the God of "heal my friend from a terminal disease" and the same God of "help me not lose my temper with my toddler".  It's bewildering and humbling to me that I can lay my stress at the foot of the cross the same as I can a global crisis.  WHAT?!  Yep, He's the God of it all.  He cares just as much.  My needs are valid, even within the context of this crazy-fallen world full of mystery and evil and challenges that run the whole spectrum.

Do you have a significant need in your personal life that seems too insignificant to ask others to pray for?  I do.  I have many.  And I'm dumbfounded at the reminder of 1 Peter 5:7,

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

Catch that?  ALL your anxiety.  All MY anxiety.  Not just the global crises, the terminal illnesses, the broken relationships, or the catastrophes...but, the stresses of work, the frustrations of motherhood, the never-ending to-do list that keeps you awake at night, and the financial concerns that keep piling up.  All of it.  And this gal is going back to class needing your prayers.

Would you pray for me in this season of crazy?  Can you let me know how I can pray for you?

I can't do this alone, and I knew that going into it.  But, at this very first day of my second year in, I'm overwhelmed with the duties before me.  The next 365ish days are going to push me to the edge, and I want you all there holding my hands, helping me remember why I'm here in the first place and helping me enjoy the view.

Please pray for my ability to maintain healthy boundaries, to be able to keep my priorities and time management reasonable.  Please pray for my family as they endure the brunt of my attention being spread thin, that we can work together toward this goal and grow closer through it again this year.  Please pray for mindfulness for myself, that I can be in the present and maintain a grateful heart amidst the chaos, not wanting to fast-forward through this experience and just skip to the end.  Whew.  Thank you.  THANK YOU.  Your prayers mean the world to me.

Prayer changes things...but more powerfully, prayer changes people.  And, it is such a unique and brilliant privilege to get to communicate directly to our Creator about our specific needs, no matter how great or small.  I would LOVE the privilege to specifically pray for you as well - we're in this TOGETHER after all!  Don't hesitate to shoot me an email with a prayer request.  I promise to lift you up to our great big God who will tackle all our anxieties better than either of us ever could on our own.  

Gonna be a great year - here we go!

Email me: emily@pardymama.com to exchange a prayer request!

Praise & Worship

Like many children, my girls love to sing.  And boy, do they!  Sing, sing, sing, everything.

Granted, both Josh and I are pretty liberal in our "songification" of things - completely uninhibited in lyricizing the most mundane of activities.  Doing the dishes could be a new rap parody, folding laundry becomes a nursery rhyme, or making dinner turns into a pop classic.  What can I say?  We're the Pardys, and we bring the beat.

So, it's no wonder that my girls (who are particularly verbose to begin with) tend to songify any and all activities they may encounter.  I adore their ability to create the most silly and random mixes, and I hope that they always feel freedom in this home to keep those creative juices flowing, even with the weirdest of compilations (Okay, a new song about Apple Jack from My Little Pony learning to fly and cook scrambled eggs with Jesus and taking a walk with rainbows.  Sure, okay, this makes sense.  Good job, honey.)

But, nothing stirs my heart like hearing my girls sing praise and worship.  Sure, they know the words to Jesus Loves Me or The B-I-B-L-E.  These simple, beautiful classics are embedded into Christian childhoods as a staple, and I'm grateful for them (and a bit nostalgic!)

But, recently, I've begun to embrace the power that these songs have, infiltrating my children's minds at such a young age, hoping that they stay in their hearts for years and years to come.  So, I've started to really intentionally look and listen for bigger songs, harder songs, and not turn away from wordy, complex songs that I might have originally labeled "too difficult" for their little brains to absorb.

A few Sundays ago, we sang one of these powerful songs.  I'd never heard it before, and the words just STUCK with me.  I just love those moments in church where you feel like you're learning something familiar all over again like it's new, taken aback in awe of the simplicity of GOD'S LOVE FOR ME and how incredibly divine it is.  The song was "Christ Be in my Waking" and maybe you've heard of it before, but if not, here is the Stuart Townsend version of it that I would encourage you to watch below.

So, now, after my girls have seen that video multiple times a day for the last couple weeks, they are learning the words.  I am too!  I'll admit there are a lot of words in that song (each one with purpose, no doubt).  My girls will be in the middle of playing ponies or dress up and burst into chorus "Jeeesus!  This is my der-no-vo-tion!..."  Stumbling through the lyrics, but wholeheartedly praising and worshipping, and most of all - letting the truths of Christ affect them from the inside out.

I love praise and worship, especially old hymns (this, coming from the girl who grew up in a small church where my Grammy played the organ in the sanctuary on Sundays!)  The sentiments of the old hymns carry beautiful memories for me, along with their ancient truths.

Power in the Blood, What a Friend We Have in Jesus, Come Thou Fount, In the Garden, and Be Thou My Vision are just some of my favorites.  In Christ Alone is another "new classic" that is a modern song with an older feel that I simply cannot sing without shedding a tear.  It just might be the next song I choose to introduce to my girls.

What about you?  What are some of your favorite praise and worship songs?  I think it would be awesome to compile a good list and check them off week by week to teach my girls.  There's a little library in that brain of theirs, full of ideas and thoughts and sounds that take up space the more they sense the things around them.  I hope and pray that the words carried over the generations in these beautiful melodies are filling the shelves of their minds so they can always recall the truths they hold.

The Bearable Lightness of Being

One of the craziest things about parenthood is how God can literally use anything to show you something new.  I know this isn't exclusive to parenthood, but sometimes the context of raising little ones isn't exactly conducive to what I would usually consider fertile grounds for deep thoughts!


The other day, watching Curious George for the millionth time, I understood a new perspective I hadn't considered before.  In this particular episode, Curious George discovers his shadow (remember, he's a good little monkey, but always very curious!).

He follows his shadow around town, learning how the sunlight affects his shape.  Suddenly, as he steps under the shade of a tall building, his shadow disappears!  Of course, as grown-ups we understand that small shadows get swallowed up by larger shadows, making the individual shadow seem invisible as the sun is blocked by a larger object.

The analogy of darkness and light representing Satan and Jesus is nothing new.  Scripture uses this metaphor many times, and it is a helpful as we look to God's creation for reminders of His guidance.  Certainly nearly everyone has, at one time or another, read or heard 1 John 1:7:
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

This verse came to mind right in the middle of watching Curious George!

Shadows.  Sin.  Darkness.  The shadows are mysterious, intriguing, even captivating - but totally reflective of my self.  If I continue to follow my shadow, I will be drawn to other shadows, into a shady realm where I will inevitably lose myself in spite of following my self.  The darkness would swallow me up.  It would destroy who I was originally designed to reflect.  It would drain me of any definition I had previously held and continue to darken as time goes on.  Shadows can be very dangerous, and the longer we are in them, the harder it is to see where the light is coming from.

But, OH, how I long for the light!  Consider John's context in the verses surrounding that famous "walking in the light" quotation:

If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:6-9

Hallelujah!

We all have shadows.  Sometimes my heart is bitter from longstanding grief I want to try to control.  Other times I'm faced with very present in-the-heat-of-the-moment impatience or frustrations over the smallest things.  Sin is current, surrounding, and always looking to steal our light.  But, the light is always there, seeking us out and ready to envelop me in it's warmth, comfort, protection, and beauty.

Maybe Curious George didn't ponder his need for a Savior while chasing his shadow all over town (this is why I don't write for children's programming!) but, I certainly found myself dumbfounded at how the Holy Spirit can move with just the tiniest grains of consideration.

Don't ever think that God can teach you something right where you are - even if it's on the couch cuddled up in blankets with your toddlers sipping milk and munching on snacks.  Ask God to use your surroundings to reveal Himself to you, wherever may be.

After all, a little curiosity can go a long way!

On Failure

In the rush of the day, in the crazy busy-ness , in the whirlwind we call life, it seems to me that most of the time we are all just doing our best to avoid failure.  Failure can look different to different people within all kinds of circumstances.  For me, sometimes failure means losing my cool and yelling at my kid, or snapping at my husband instead of thinking before I speak, or even choosing to watch TV instead of doing my homework.

But, as I get older, these instances of failing are beginning to look less like moments of insecurity, and more and more like progressive opportunities.  I'm not saying all failure is good.  Certainly there are times that failure is outright sinful, and my repentance is as necessary as my humility in order to reap the full benefit of God's hand in my life.  But, I am saying this:  The only difference between failure and progress is perspective.

This struck me the other day when I was considering my frustrations as a parent (a common theme here on PARDYMAMA!)  I was biting my tongue, taking deep breaths, and praying through another moment of choosing peace and patience over my all-too-reactive anger.   I imagined how God must be looking at me through parental eyes - how He must look at all of us at times - and yet, He's not having to take deep breaths and settle Himself down over disappointment in us.  It's not that I don't disappoint God (absolutely, this should be obvious!) but, rather, that He can see the big picture - where I'm headed - the lessons I'm gaining, and so forth.  I just pictured God smiling earnestly at me and encouraging me "Oh dear Emily...you'll get it.  Remember my Words.  Trust in Me.  Depend on ME."

When I fail, something inside me (I would consider this "something" to be the Holy Spirit utilizing my conscience and conviction) tells me to do better next time, to stop relying on my own strength so much, to remember that there's a better path (albeit, often harder) and to choose differently in the future.  This recognition gives me unfathomable hope to change, be better, act differently.  This is the Spirit of Christ in me, working through even the most mundane or tumultuous moments.

THAT isn't failure...that's progress.

Seeing my weaknesses from God's perspective allows me the security to move forward, embrace grace and forgiveness, and grow in the progressive depth that my faith offers me in my actions.  It also reminds me of this verse:

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ my rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

We all do our best to hide our weaknesses and avoid failures.  But, when failures come and the temptation to shirk into our own insecurities is quick to follow, I hope you take a deep breath and choose to embrace the progress Christ offers in those quiet moments.  I know He's still working on me, and I'm so grateful for each moment of progress I encounter, even if it takes me some time before I can step back and appreciate the true perspective of how God uses it in my life.

 

Kids Ruin Everything

Someone once said that trying to clean the house with little kids is like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreos.

I couldn't agree more.

I don't know which is more of a disaster - my house before attempting to clean it, or the chaos that follows once I start tackling the chores with the "help" of my children.  Making the bed becomes a battle of sheets and blankets, folding laundry turns into fort-making piles of towels and towers of socks and underwear that eventually get shoved into drawers.

And then, in my effort to allow them to help, Matilda multi-tasks swiffering and holding the cat at the same time, only to end up slightly scratched and bursting into tears seconds later. (Not to mention the hissing feline hiding in the corner giving me the stink-eye.  Sorry, buddy.)

I love that they want to help...I just don't want them to help.  It's frustrating, it takes time, it take extra patience, and there are times I'd rather just let the house crumble around me than put up with the fighting and frustrations that manifest in the process.  Whew.  (Can I get an Amen Sister!)

It's within these moments of loud chaos that I find myself thinking "Kids ruin everything!"  Usually this is instantly followed by a pang of guilt that turns into a prayer for extra grace and gratitude (Serenity now, Lord!)  But, today, it occurred to me - "Yes, they DO!  And thank God for it."

Life before children wasn't boring, but it was highly predictable.  It was quieter, yes, but it was also much more static.  (This isn't to say that child-free couples can't live dynamic, wonderfully full lives!) But, there are simply lessons I wouldn't have learned about myself had my children not thrown some wrenches into my efficiently-functioning-just-the-way-I-like-it wheelhouse.

There's a term in therapy we use to describe a system that keeps functioning according to status quo called homeostasis.  It's not necessarily negative or positive, it's simply a way of keeping things going and maintaining stability and equilibrium within a system - in this case, my home.  Change occurs when something from the outside rattles this ever-functioning system.

Change rarely occurs without discomfort.  Growth can't happen without a few growing pains.  And my children are constant reminders that they are in the best way completely ruining my comfort zone, my balance, my homeostasis.

My kids have ruined my very-conditional love.  My kids have destroyed my lack of patience.  My kids have obliterated my shallow capacity for grace.  And they've completely thwarted all my attempts to remain selfish and focused on my wants over my needs.

I simply can't survive this ever-changing, crazy, unpredictable home without trusting God more, developing greater patience, love, and grace, and totally laying myself down day after day.  I may live in a loud, messy house.  It might get scary-bonkers at times.  But, I'm grateful for the nonsense of this growth that continues to strengthen and challenge me hour by hour.

Kids ruin everything...perfectly.