I don't understand time. I hate it, actually, and it makes no sense to me that yesterday I was in one phase of life and today I'm in another. Yesterday I could check a different box on an assessment form and today I'm upgraded to the 35-40 margin of a census. Sigh. Time is dumb. Time is a temporary restriction reserved to this planet, and my soul is restless in its grip.
But, the getting older part...that I like. Society might tell me to pick up a wrinkle cream and start cutting back on sugar, sure. Media compels me to worry about things like retirement funds and cholesterol, fine. But, as my physical body reminds me I'm no teenager, my mind and spirit charge full-throttle ahead in anticipation of what I have yet to know in this life.
My teenage years were heaped in wonder, doubt, and naiveté. My twenties were full of adventure and wrought with insecurity. My thirties are officially halfway over and so far it's been a roller coaster of decisions, milestones, and deep rooting.
Most of all, I have found incredible joy in learning what I do not know. Getting a Masters degree, while a great accomplishment, reminded me that there are realms and realms of introspection and revelation awaiting me as I grow as a person. I am in awe of anticipating what's left to discover about myself and how God will shape and use that in my time on this earth.
To say this last year has been exceptional would be an understatement in my book. It's not that long ago that I would have laughed in your face if you told me I would have published a book, received my Masters, and had a baby all in one year! (Yes, I'm exhausted.) With these milestones under my belt, one can't help but reflect and project with some concern "Um, what now, God?"
So, I'm 35 and have no idea what's coming. We have three children, no jobs, 2 Masters degrees, and our knees are somewhat sore from pleading with God to know what's around the corner.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
At 35, I know much much less than I did when I was 20. Because today I can calmly, confidently say that I know that there's so much I don't know. I'm not insecure in this fact. I'm not fearful or frustrated that there are uncertainties all around me. Because of all the things I don't know, I know full well and better than ever before that my God has got me in His grip.
Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3
I can't tell you what the next 35 days hold, let alone the next 35 years. But, I have 35 years to look back on as a testament of God's faithfulness and provision for me in this life. As those days grow, I pray my trust in Him grows as well, allowing the wonders and doubts around me to blossom into His promises.
Thank you for my life, Lord. Wring it dry with Your use.