Ain't No One Got Time For That: True Self-Care For Mamas

I'm really good at chatting about self-care. I have my Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy, after all. I have three children and put on deodorant today, for heaven's sake. I have a marriage that still makes me smile and remembered to schedule my six-month dentist check-up only 10 months after the last one! I mean, I'm seriously good at this self-care business, right?

If you're like me, you are great at telling others how to take better care of themselves, but slipping slowly down the sub-par slope yourself. Cringing yet?

As mothers, we deal daily in the chores of sympathy, compassion, care, and inevitably spread ourselves too thin across the needs of our family, all in the name of love. This is wonderful. This is often necessary. But, this is not sustainable. 

Yesterday, I joined a Bible Study that "I don't have time for", "It's just far enough away to be too far", "I don't even know if anyone I know will be there", "I'm not even sure what they are studying", and "I'm not sure I want to commit or feel obligated to keep going".

Sound familiar?

I can easily think of a million reasons not to go. I have plenty of dishes/laundry/cooking that I could fill that time-slot with. I didn't even want to tell anyone I was considering going in case I backed out at the last minute.

Then I remembered that in the last two years, God brought me through the absolute busiest time of my life. With two children, I got through grad school, held a part-time job, and had a book published, and somehow managed to not completely have my brain melt.

God was faithful, and while I have no desire to relive that kind of manic schedule, I know that He provides what I need when I need it - including time (and especially time to worship Him)!

I often forget that true self-care starts from the inside out. Soul care doesn't just happen on its own. 

I don't just feel joyful because of the "stuff" I have or the blessings around me. I don't just automatically desire to read the Bible every day because it's the "right thing to do". I don't constantly thank Jesus for saving me simply because I should. AND I SHOULD...but, reality holds obligations, deadlines, crying babies, phone calls, and dentist appointments that I allow to get in the way.

It's easy to think that something so basic as taking care of ourselves should come naturally. But, I'm here to tell you that it's OKAY to schedule it in. Do it!

You don't have to join a Bible Study. That's not necessarily the answer for you in the season you are in. But, how are you taking care of yourself? Wine nights with girlfriends and the occasional mani/pedi might be what most mommy blogs are urging you to do - but I'm here to ask, What are you doing to pamper your soul?

I'm learning how to do this right alongside you, mamas. I am thick in the struggle of balancing all the spinning plates while riding a unicycle, just like you are. I pray every day that I will appreciate this season, even through the groggy fog of sleep deprivation and the sounds of whiney children and the reheated cups of coffee.  It's hard.

But, let's remember who is truly spinning all those plates. It's not us. It's certainly not by my strength that my children get hugged and disciplined all in the same day. It's not by my faithfulness that food is on the table or the unfolded laundry keeps us warm day to day.

Give yourself the time-out that a mama sincerely deserves, and let us encourage one another to focus on the One from whom all blessings flow. We all got time for that.

If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. - Jeremiah 29:13 NLT 

 

Hallelujah Again: Victory Over Unemployment

Two years ago today I announced that our job search was over and Josh had accepted a new position after nearly 4 months of unemployment. (See the TimeHop pic below!)

Well, today I'm thrilled to announce the exact same great news!

It's weird, right?  Spooky and wonderful, honestly.  My husband's contract was not renewed at the school he worked at due to budgetary reasons back in July, so we've been unemployed for the last three months.

It is with great pride that I tell you he's accepted a position as Marketing and Business Development Coordinator at a local engineering firm!  He starts October 12th, and prayers as he transitions to this new position would be greatly appreciated.

As I read back over my post about his new job from 2 years ago, God reminded me how His truth is timeless.  Here is an excerpt from that post that rings completely (albeit, eerily) true again today.  Thank you for celebrating this news with us!

From September 25, 2013...

And here's where I get real honest with you.  Here's the part where you are feeling all "oh, how nice that worked out for you" and I'm about to blow that thought right out of the water for you...so, just keep reading.

The night before we got the job, God told me something.  He said, plain and simply, "You know that if he gets this job it doesn't solve your problems, right?  Only I can do that."  I kind of brushed that off and said another prayer for the job, and then I BEGGED God for the job and then I thanked God and still said "but, please God, seriously, please let him get this job".  I didn't quite let what God told me sink in all the way.  I wanted Josh to get that job.  It would be a problem solved, and so my heart and mind were set on that.

Then, he got the job.  And, I felt relief.  I felt joy.  But...I didn't feel any more secure than I had the day before.  In fact, neither Josh nor I jumped up and down like we had in the past when much smaller victories were won (You got a call baaaack!!!!  You got an interviewwwww!!!)  Not this time.  This time was different.

Josh got the job.  Hallelujah.  But, that's not the victory here.  The victory - the moral to the story - is the three and a half freaking months that came before the job.  The miracle is the survival, the journey, the long road of impatience and questions and doubting.  The loving marriage that sustained the waves of tumultuous worry.  The food on the table brought by friends.  The cards of encouragement and support sent by loved ones.  The pride found in working a blue-collar job.  The strength of a family cared for by a community and body of Christ.  THAT'S OUR VICTORY.

I never could have guessed it.  Even a few weeks ago I could have told you what this blog post could have looked like - a long and relentless bragging about my husband and how awesome he is and how good God is for rewarding his efforts.  No.  Not at all.  Don't get me wrong - Josh is my hero - but, we're giving credit where credit is surely due, and that goes entirely to Jesus.

Here's something else - Satan hates it when we give Jesus the credit.  And today, just as we were eager to awake with feelings of assurance and celebration, we were spiritually attacked from all sides as Satan did his best to steal our joy and distract us from the goodness of God.  I'm really being honest here, gang.  Today was ROUGH.  Even my daughters were stressed out and overly emotional and the littlest things seemed like the end of the universe in our home.  Each one of us was in a terrible mood, annoyed and frustrated, irrationally snappy and completely out of sorts.

We literally had to stop in the middle of our morning and pray aloud in our living room to just invite the Holy Spirit to be present with us, to help us focus on His peace and faithfulness, and to not let anything distract us from the beauty of the moment and the assurance of God's goodness.

But, here we are.  We are here to CELEBRATE and let you know that God IS good.  Wholly good.  And the job is wonderful...but, it is merely a facet in the structure that is our lives as they should be lived out according to God's will.  We are grateful - but, not fooled by the false sense of security that money and benefits offer in this world.  We are humbled, and we are sincerely blessed by the long three and a half months where our faith was stretched far beyond the boundaries of our liking.

Thank you, thank you, thank you - to each of you who prayed for us, supported us, encouraged us, and fought the good fight through the victory of the wait.

God is using us here.  God has big plans for us.  God is good - really - all the time.

We're so grateful to celebrate God's goodness with you!

Everyday Wisdom Magazine OUT TODAY

I am thrilled to tell you about a new publication that comes out TODAY called Everyday Wisdom!

It hits stands today at Barnes & Noble, Walmart, and a variety of grocery stores.  You can also purchase it online if you click here!

I am blessed to have contributed a few articles about hope, dealing with difficult people, and not judging others based on their appearances. I also have the joy of offering a special excerpt from my book, For All Maternity in this special issue.

It's a beautiful magazine with no ads that you'd be proud to display on your coffee table at home for years to come.  Since it's a quarterly magazine, it's something to collect and share or give as a special gift to someone who loves encouraging words from a Biblical perspective.

This is not your average magazine.  (And I don't make a dime off it if you purchase it.)  I'm genuinely endorsing Everyday Wisdom because I believe in the beauty and truth it can bring into your home.  I know you will find it uplifting and a great resource for Scripture-based advice for many areas of life. Go check it out!

So, I'm 35

Today I turn 35.  Or, as I like to tell people, "If you need advice on being 29, just ask me, I've been 29 for years now." [insert obligatory laugh track here]

I don't understand time.  I hate it, actually, and it makes no sense to me that yesterday I was in one phase of life and today I'm in another.  Yesterday I could check a different box on an assessment form and today I'm upgraded to the 35-40 margin of a census.  Sigh.  Time is dumb.  Time is a temporary restriction reserved to this planet, and my soul is restless in its grip.

But, the getting older part...that I like.  Society might tell me to pick up a wrinkle cream and start cutting back on sugar, sure.  Media compels me to worry about things like retirement funds and cholesterol, fine.  But, as my physical body reminds me I'm no teenager, my mind and spirit charge full-throttle ahead in anticipation of what I have yet to know in this life.

My teenage years were heaped in wonder, doubt, and naiveté.  My twenties were full of adventure and wrought with insecurity. My thirties are officially halfway over and so far it's been a roller coaster of decisions, milestones, and deep rooting.

Most of all, I have found incredible joy in learning what I do not know.  Getting a Masters degree, while a great accomplishment, reminded me that there are realms and realms of introspection and revelation awaiting me as I grow as a person.  I am in awe of anticipating what's left to discover about myself and how God will shape and use that in my time on this earth.

To say this last year has been exceptional would be an understatement in my book.  It's not that long ago that I would have laughed in your face if you told me I would have published a book, received my Masters, and had a baby all in one year! (Yes, I'm exhausted.) With these milestones under my belt, one can't help but reflect and project with some concern "Um, what now, God?"

So, I'm 35 and have no idea what's coming.  We have three children, no jobs, 2 Masters degrees, and our knees are somewhat sore from pleading with God to know what's around the corner.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

At 35, I know much much less than I did when I was 20.  Because today I can calmly, confidently say that I know that there's so much I don't know.  I'm not insecure in this fact.  I'm not fearful or frustrated that there are uncertainties all around me.  Because of all the things I don't know, I know full well and better than ever before that my God has got me in His grip.

Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.  Proverbs 16:3

I can't tell you what the next 35 days hold, let alone the next 35 years.  But, I have 35 years to look back on as a testament of God's faithfulness and provision for me in this life.  As those days grow, I pray my trust in Him grows as well, allowing the wonders and doubts around me to blossom into His promises.

Thank you for my life, Lord.  Wring it dry with Your use.

This is Real Life

A diaper explosion/outfit change at midnight.  Kid #1 comes down with a fever by 1am.  A spit-up catastrophe around 4am.  Everyone is up by 6-something.  Kid #2 has a fever by 7am.  I have a doctor's appointment at 8:15 and the baby cries the whole way there.

This is not an exceptional day.  This is not out of the ordinary, not really.  This is just LIFE.

We like to think that these days come with extra patience and feelings of triumph that keep us on our toes when an inkling of complacency sets in.  But, really, truly, this is the nitty gritty that is the building blocks for all things good and weird in the world of parenting.

I used to think there was a chapter missing in my proverbial parenting manual when days like these would occur.  I would imagine other mothers caring for their less-whiny-than-my-own sick children and happily nursing in the middle of the night with the energy of an Olympian.  Somewhere around the second kid it dawned on me that maybe all other parents really were as tired as I was.  Maybe this is what it's all about - this rapid-action chaos that adds up into years that leap by with a glance.

sick kiddos

multi-tasking

So, here it is.  The junk you won't see on Instagram to shame your own crazy-laden-lives.  We got kids, we got needs, we got Jesus (hallelujah!)  This means life is a MESS and totally worth living.  This means spit-up on my clothes has value and beauty.  This means Redboxing Barbie movies before noon is an act of compassion.  This means typing this blog one-handed while nursing (true story) keeps me humble and honest and grateful for those other parents out there one-handing their own battles.

bills, burp cloths, coffee - YES.

my (grocery shopping) hero

Purpose rarely comes with glamour.  These days might carry stress and frustration, but they are no less marked with value than the happy, predictable moments we so often long for.

God, keep me still in these times.  Help me see the beauty in the mess and the value in the chaos.  Thank you for the trials and the triumphs, and teach me how to show my children the importance of both!

How to Grow a Human in 9 Easy Months

It's the final stretch!

I'm scheduled to deliver this baby via c-section on Sunday, August 16th at 9am.  (Mark your calendars!  Prayers appreciated!)  That gives me five days to groan and gripe and worry about all the things that will probably not go awry.

Looking back, sure, these last nine months have flown by.  It's easy to gestate a human when you have mere days getting checked off the calendar.  Since this is my last (to my knowledge) pregnancy, I've tried my utmost to caress my growing midsection with patience and gratitude, knowing these violent jabs to my ribs and aching hips/back are oh-so-temporary.

But, I'm ready.

From 6 weeks to 39 weeks! WHOA MAMA!
(Isn't the human body freaking amazing?!)

I'm eager to meet this little blessing in my belly, ready to smooch her face and nibble on her toes until others around me start to feel uncomfortable by my level of adoration (mothers understand this limitless ability to gawk at their newborn).

I'm ready to not be stopped in my tracks with Braxton Hicks or require a million pillows and a pulley-system to simply roll over in my own bed.  I'm ready to see my toes again and enjoy a glass of wine with dinner.  I'm ready to have my anxieties shift from pregnant worries to external concerns about parenting another new life.  Bring it on!

It bewilders me to think that only 9 months ago I didn't know what this week held in store for me.  That I thought my plate was full then, and my emotional capacity was brimming with everything I knew about at that moment.

But, when a new body grows within your own body, you start to realize how absolutely beyond your control most things are.  While this pregnancy hasn't lacked pains or challenges, I had nothing to do with the cell-building, nerve-developing, bone-growing miracle that took place right under my heart (literally).

I've always been pretty darn good at worrying.  It doesn't keep me from doing much, but it doesn't mean the fear isn't present.  Worry is familiar territory for most mothers, and it's step-sisters Doubt and Anxiety are always nearby.  They love to team up and try to steal away joy and hope and confidence, and if I'm not prayerful about staying aware of their whereabouts I can easily find myself entertaining them.

Then, I look down.  I see this giant beach ball churning under my shirt and I'm instantly reminded how I did NOTHING to grow this human.  Hands. Feet. Heart. BRAIN. All neatly woven together while I waddled through my day, working on school and household chores, showering and cooking, driving and walking, wolfing down cheeseburgers like I was making up for the vegetarians of the world.  All but ignorant of the minute intricacies that were being constructed atom by atom as my new little person formed within.

That's how I grew this human in 9 easy months.  I worried while God worked.  I trusted while God constructed.  I hoped while God created.  I don't know who this person is in me.  I don't know what she looks like or how she will act or behave or who she will grow up to be.  But, I've loved her from before I knew she existed - something else I've had no control over.

I can't wait to have this baby and introduce her to the world.  I can't wait to announce her arrival with triumph and celebration.  It's a wonderful feeling to exchange my worries for wonder, and as my final pregnancy concludes this weekend, I'm grateful for the last 9 months of ups and downs to carry this baby into the world that awaits her.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Let this season go down in Pardy history known as "The Summer of Change".

As a counselor, I can't recommend more than one major, life-changing transition happening at a time.  As a wife and mother, however, sometimes you just have to eat your own advice and swallow what life dishes up!

My husband lost his job in July. We're expecting our third child in less than two weeks.  I finished my Masters degree last Friday.  My oldest daughter starts Kindergarten tomorrow.  

So, here we are all at once, changing jobs, changing schools, changing rooms, changing roles, changing laundry, changing careers, changing routines, and soon enough, changing diapers.  Like it or not, CHANGE is the new normal in our home.

To say my heart is in a whirlwind is sort of an understatement.  On one hand I find myself weary and weepy and frustrated and fearful, totally in doubt of a foggy future that has been so scheduled for the last two years.  On the other hand, I feel giddy and excited and nervous, like every day has the potential to be Christmas morning!  (Not to mention pregnancy hormones are in FULL swing!)

There's no easy way to have faith.

That much I've learned in my short time on this planet; and no matter how many times my faith is challenged and stretched, it hurts.  Sometimes its a good hurt, like yawning so big my ears pop or touching my toes (something I have faint recollection of!)

Other times, it's a knife to the back, or the stomach, or the heart...completely debilitating and potentially fatal to my progress.  But, no matter how much I bleed out, it's not the end.  I just usually need a transfusion of the mind and heart to keep me going.  I need to flush out my own thoughts and plans and once again rely exclusively on the Creator's calendar.

Last week, I closed out a chapter of my life I never though possible.  I earned my Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.  There was a time in my life I wasn't sure I would ever get my Bachelor's degree, so to state this accomplishment is no small feat for me!  It still seems surreal, and I'm sure it will take a while to sink in that I don't have any more homework for the rest of my life!

Tomorrow, my oldest daughter starts Kindergarten.  She's excited and scared and a living example of all the emotions swirling around inside of my soul right now.  She's a feeler to say the least, and an expresser that puts my own transparency to shame.  The five-year-old lack of filter keeps me poignantly aware that she's standing on her own precipice just waiting to see what comes next.

Faith is my favorite oxymoron.

It's ugly because "having faith" means I also have the doubt necessary to need the faith in the first place.  It's beautiful because it functions regardless of my fears, fully dependent on the unchanging mercy that God continues to pour into me.  It's irrational, forcing me to live with expectation I have no evidence to hope for.  It's everything that keeps me going when nothing is giving me reason to charge ahead.

What changes are you going through in life right now?

Change is rarely comfortable.  Even when it's planned for, it usually comes with pains of progress or frustrations found through the process.  But, our unchanging God can do so much more through our changing souls than He ever could allowing us to remain comfortable and stagnant in our growth.
Deep breath.  Exhale.

Okay, change.  Bring it on.  Ready or not.  I freely abandon my own understanding and embrace the irrational courage that faith has to offer me in this insane season of life.  Lord, help your peace overshadow the anxieties I have, and help me and my family as we welcome the plans and timing you have for us!

Can I get an AMEN?

Home Sweet Home Stretch

There's something bittersweet about the third trimester of pregnancy.  While the kicks and jolts in my belly trigger joy at the thought of a miracle literally moving within me, the aches and pains that weigh down my physique make me long for the day she is on the outside.  I don't want to fast-forward through the final weeks, but I'm not looking for the pause button either.

I guess this is a good balance, considering she will be my (as far as I can predict) last baby.

The realities of a new life coming have started to invade the home on a regular basis.  The crib is built, the curtains are hung, and pink little onesies are filling the drawers in the nursery.  Ten (or so) more weeks of growing, about a thousand loads of Dreft laundry, and we'll be all set for the coos and cries of a newborn to echo through the house.  (Well, there's a few more details than that, but you catch my drift!)

Growing...growing...not quite gone yet!

It's hard to imagine that my home is more quiet now than it will be in a few months.  It's exciting and terrifying, as I often have to plug my ears to keep from going insane from the squeals and screams of my 5-year-old and 3-year-old daughters.  No doubt this little one will have severe competition for attention the moment she enters the world.  Quiet is a rare virtue in our home (and often a prelude to either a giant mess being made/discovered or the calm before a storm of tears for whatever reason).

At the same time, I'm finishing up my Master's degree in Marriage & Family Therapy, with only 8 more weeks of school and internship to wrap up the two years of insanity I've put myself and my family through.  It is indeed, the home stretch on a huge chapter in our lives.  Life will look very different come mid-August, and it's difficult for me to wrap my brain around what's pending.

As crazy as it's been for the last two years, there is comfort in the known craziness.  As many sleepless nights, busy schedules, and constant to-dos as there have been, I'll admit there are parts of me worried and sad about saying good-bye to this temporary and tender season of our lives.  (Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to say "Sayonara" to homework forever!)

A new normal, a new chaos, a new crazy is just around the corner.  It's this unknown wilderness that awaits that easily stirs anxiety in my soul.  As I feel my baby hiccup in my belly as I type this, I'm reminded that no matter what, God's got us.  All of us.  (Yes, you too!)  He's never surprised at what's around the bend or who's in need of what or how long something seems to take.  He's never thrown off schedule, overwhelmed by tasks, or anxious about how it will all turn out.  He's got these next 10-ish weeks just like He's had the last zillion years and the zillion more yet to come.

Between two kids, deadlines, and baby kicks, I don't want to give you the illusion that I rest well at night just because I have a deep trust in God's provision and plan for us.  Life is HARD and loud and messy.  I laugh at the chaos as much as I worry and I weep with the best of you.

But, peace can be found among the sleepless.  Hope can be found among the restless.  Joy can be found among the fearful.  How?  Because it's the struggle and privilege of my heart, as weary and worn as it may be, to remain fixated on His steady faithfulness to me, and to keep finding humor and gratitude in the world around me.

Whew.  Guys.  This summer is gonna be FULL of crazy.  No doubt there are reasons to complain and throw in the towel each and every day.  But, in these final weeks of transition from a family of four to a family of five...of a family surviving grad school to a family sending one off to Kindergarten...I hope you'll see a family honestly determined to find moments of sweetness and blessing within the mess of it all.

What transitions are you or your family going through this summer?  What helps keep you focused on the joys of life and the goodness of God?

Easy Does It

My life is a series of deadlines right now.  Goals, checklists, schedules, and countdowns cloud my brain like you wouldn't believe.  (Okay, maybe you would!)

19 weeks until the baby is due
16 weeks until grad school ends
7 weeks until summer semester starts
5 weeks until our family roadtrip
3 weeks until the spring semester ends
1 week until I have three big projects due

And the list goes on...

It's a game of red-light-green-light in the crossroads of my brain, constantly starting and stopping tasks, trying to manage the mental traffic jam that keeps clogging my thoughts. Ya feel me on this one, folks?

WHERE IS MY EASY BUTTON?

The truth is, even if I had an easy button there is a good chance that by now it would be so punched-in from overuse I would have broken it by now.  (No doubt it would be covered in marker and sticky fingerprints at the very least!)

Why, oh why doesn't God give us an easy button in life?  Why must I trudge on and exhaust myself on the never-ending chores that strings together days into weeks?

Why?

Because, it matters.

I cling to this truth minute by minute.  God cares and loves us enough to place us within a time-containing world where we get to consciously enjoy the experience of the present unlike any of His other creations. But, this is oh-so-much harder than it sounds.

These little moments that make up pathways to deadlines are LIFE itself.  I keep having to remind myself that it's here, it's happening, it's now.  I don't know about you, but when my kids are yelling, the water is boiling over on the stove, and the pile of laundry yet-to-be-folded piles higher and higher on my couch, the very last thing on my to-do list is to stop and cherish the moment!

I get so easily caught up in the WHAT to do that I completely lose sight of the HOW amazing it all is.  I have children!  I have a house!  I have a husband who kisses me daily!  I have a brain that soaks up new ridiculous information!

But most days, I can hardly hear these wonders over all the complaining and grumbling clouding my mind.  I'm tired.  I'm too busy.  I'm not perfect.  (Hey - don't leave me hanging here - please high-five me on these vulnerable feelings!)

But, good grief, I'm in it for the long haul and not willing to hit the fast-forward button on any of it.

Life is stupid-short.  This whole "time" thing is uncomfortable and unsettling because our souls long for an eternal space where they can stretch out and won't need to comprehend the definition of "balance".  In this world, we don't have the luxury of hitting the pause button, going into slow-motion, or skipping past the parts we don't like.  What's better, we have the privilege of handing over the remote control of our lives to the only One who truly knows how the story should play out.

Okay, God.  If I can't edit my life into a highlight reel, then I'm sure glad You are in the director's seat!

Let's stop counting down and start counting blessings instead.  Join me in the effort to stop searching for the easy button in life.  (Deep breaths! Hugs! High fives! We can do it!)

We're in this together, folks!  And while it might not get easier, it sure does get sweeter.

It's a Girl! Now What?

Bring on the tutus and bows!  It's another girl (yes, that makes THREE) for the Pardys.  As if my home wasn't covered in pink and purple enough already, this bouncing baby girl is bound to bring a whole new host of cotton candy colors with her when she arrives in August.

A GIRL!

Three girls.

Let's process this, guys.  This is a lot of estrogen in one little household.  I think my husband is worried he might start growing breasts if he doesn't keep the windows open.

We are overjoyed to be welcoming another girl.  Plus, you can't beat the hand-me-down savings or the inevitable cuteness-overload photos that are bound to come from capturing the happenings of three little princesses (think of the Christmas photos! the Easter dresses! the delicious Halloween costumes that will make you gasp in awe!)  My heart can almost not handle the sweetness already.

The news of a third daughter didn't come without surprise, however.  Even those of you who put your votes in for the boy/girl poll opted to overwhelmingly anticipate it being a boy.  I join you in your shock!

As the ultrasound tech rubbed my belly with the jelly and revealed our wiggly baby (in all her black and white, other-worldly, glory) I held my husband's hand tight, not quite ready to hear the news.  The sweet one had her legs crossed politely, so it took a little while to jostle her into an immodest position.  Finally we got a clear shot, and I knew.

"Oh, that's a girl," I said definitively.

"Yes, it is!" confirmed the tech.

We smiled.  We sighed.  We stared.  It had not quite sunk in yet.

When I first got pregnant, I thought it would be a girl.  I know the statistics, and after two of the same sex babies, the odds of having the same again are quite high.  Still, both my siblings had beaten these odds by having two boys and then a girl, so I knew there was a shot for a Pardy boy in the making.

As the weeks went on, my pregnancy symptoms became drastically different than with my girls.  I had totally different cravings and aversions.  My nausea was terrible, and overall I felt much worse than with my girls.  It just felt like a whole new ballgame to me.  Surely, this had to mean it was a boy, right?  I couldn't rationalize any other simple explanation.  So, for the last several weeks, I grew quite keen on the idea of having a son.

As far as we know, this is our last baby we'll be having.  I'd be lying if I didn't say we hoped there would be a Pardy boy in the bloodline.  My husband is the last male Pardy, so it seemed natural to continue the most-fun-last-name-ever with this final child.  I began having visions of what it would be like, what our family would look like with a boy, and how I would connect differently as a mother to a son of my own.  It was weird, foreign, scary, and lovely.

And it made me wonder all the more who it was growing inside my bulging belly?

Every time I find out the gender of my babies, I'm thrown into an emotional paradox.  As the unknown turns into the known, one dream has to die in order for the other to transition into reality.  I'm thrilled for what it is.  I grieve for what it isn't.

I was not sad to find out I'm having a girl.  I was sad to find out I will not be having a boy.

We drove to go get lunch after our appointment.  I rambled on and on about the wonders of having another girl and how beautiful and magical it will be to have three daughters under one roof.  I had visions of hair-braiding slumber parties, giggling in dress-up clothes, and baking together in the kitchen like a homemade version of Little Women in real life.

I pulled into the restaurant parking lot, and burst into tears.  I had to take a moment.  I had to pause and grieve the vision of a son.  I had to let go of the idea that no tiny bow ties or hipster-mustache-onesies or matching-tuxedos-with-daddy would be in our future.  I had to allow myself to release the image of my girls creating a bond with a brother who would want to follow and protect them.

I had to say goodbye to this dream.  Deep sigh.  And I did.  And it felt great.  Well, it felt terrible and then great.  Relief is a beautiful thing.

It still took a while for the news to really reach my bones and sink into my heart (shopping for a pink dress helped!) As the reality of one dream became clearer, my tears dried up, and my heart became full as this new girl inside me began shaping the image of our family into what it was always meant to look like.

I hope you embrace my honesty for what it truly is - a human mother, grappling with the realities of life.  (Not to mention, a gut full of hormones that wreak havoc and any given time!)  I am not sad over what I've been given.  And I'm no longer sad over the dream that was lost.  This was a win/win situation, and I'm only grateful to God for the experience of pregnancy and the gift of another child.  There is no, "but..." There is no, "however..."  That's the truth.

And now?  Now, we celebrate!  In typical Pardy fashion, we wholeheartedly invite you to pray for our growing baby girl as we eagerly anticipate her August arrival with fanfare and thanksgiving!

Baby Girl Pardy #3 is on her way!  And I for one, can't wait to meet her.

Matilda Turns Five

On Saturday my firstborn will turn five years old.  I know I will blink and this moment will seem like a lifetime ago, but for now, I am reveling in the present instead of the reality that the last five years have flown by unlike any other in my life.

Having children is like having my own, personal time machine that catapults me into the future faster than I could ever imagine.  While the weary days inch by, the memories pile up at lightning speed.

Too quickly, there is a past created by a mountain of moments that hold a piece of my heart forever.

Matilda is turning five.  This feels monumental.  My brain and heart are having a hard time reconciling sentiment and reality.  I let myself get carried away with thinking how soon more milestones will crowd  my maternal memories.

So, what do I do to cement this moment into my own story?  How do I make my mark on this day to let her know, in her own time, how special this phase of life is to our family?  Well, of course, I write her something!

I'm not much of a poet.  I can spew truth for days, lay out my soul for others to read, but when it comes to eloquent speeches I'm often at a loss.

Nevertheless...indulge me.  This isn't for you.  This isn't for anyone but my Matilda.

I pray someday she will read this and see my heart.  In all my mistakes as a human, as a mother, as a friend, I pray she knows in her core how deeply I depend on Jesus for how I raise her.  I hope her bones feel their worth in His eyes alone.

I have faith that through all the ups and downs we will have as mother and daughter that above all she will hold on to the fact that when I met her, I loved her, and nothing will ever change that.

Through the years and forever, I can't wait to get to know her more and more.  My first girl.  My Matilda.

two

three

four

Wonderful You

There are so many parts that make up wonderful you.

Your humor, your beauty, your wit.

You are silly and mischievous, loud and fierce.

You will grow to know these parts of you,

And I hope you let them each shine bright in your own way.

You will develop more parts, some lovely, some challenging.

All parts needing refinement by the grace of our Creator.

But as the world surrounds you, confronts you, inspires you,

Remember this:

Each of us is fearfully made, wonderfully different.

Some people are smarter than you.

Some people are funnier, some prettier,

Some richer or more popular.

But none of them are more you.

No one else is all you.

Only you are you.

You hold your very own wonderful.

Hold it closely, dearly.

Use it well, let it shine.

God made only you to be wonderful you.

And you are greater than the sum of your parts, my darling.

That's what I love most about you.

All of wonderful you.

Happy Fifth Birthday, Matilda Hazel Darling.

Stormy Weather

It's rained a lot here lately.  It seems like the chance of rain is always looming, and while it's been a refreshing break from the heat, it makes for an unpredictable day of weather.  Should I bring the umbrella?  Do I wear the rainboots?  Can we schedule the get together on the patio?  etc.

These are not difficult questions.  They barely interrupt my day, and are merely annoying at worst.  But, then, night comes and thunder booms and tornado warnings scroll across the bottom of my TV.  There's always a chance it gets worse.  There's always a possibility this downpour turns into something scary.

Sometimes life can feel like that - like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Do you know this feeling?  Just because the storm missed us last night, doesn't mean we'll be the lucky ones next time.  I can play a superstitious game with myself, thinking that I had something to do with my own good fortune, when most of the time it was just the blessing of God's protection and fortunate wind in the right direction.

Reality is, nothing keeps me from misfortune...but, nothing separates me from God either.

A lot of life happens within the boundaries of two questions:
Why me?
Why not me?

I don't know about you, but too often I'm asking one of those questions.  Something good or bad happens to me or someone I know, and all of a sudden my mind is struck with winds of doubt, and my worries are blown out of proportion to my God.  Bottom-line reminder:  GOD IS BIGGER.

God is bigger than my needs.  God is bigger than my loss.  God is bigger than my questions.  God is bigger than my understand, my hope, or my fears.  God is bigger.  He cares, He's in control, and He is never changing or leaving.

As I look out the rain-streaked window, I notice how blurry and confusing the outside world appears.  It's splotchy and unclear, and I lack the whole picture by just looking through the frame I have.  God is clarity.  He's all-knowing and all-caring, and by trusting in Him I can put aside my silly superstitions and wholeheartedly believe that the clouds will part soon.

Sometimes it rains.  Sometimes it pours.  But, thank goodness, our hope is not in a "sometimes" God.

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand.

Dead Weight

The other night, amidst the wind and the rain of an autumnal thunderstorm, we heard a crrraaack followed by a THUD in the middle of the night.

Sure enough, when we looked out the window in the morning, a giant tree branch had split from one of the trees in our backyard.  It was giant and dangling precariously, so my husband got out the saw and put it out of its misery.

I didn't even know that branch was dead!  I had no idea that somewhere inside it was rotting and weak and doing no good whatsoever for the tree.  It was just hanging on, waiting to meet its demise.  It had no purpose.  It just was.  And now, that it's safely removed and out of the way, the tree can continue to be fruitful and grow as it is meant to.

[Hmm.  Suspiciously sounds like I'm about to make an analogy here.]

Now that I'm seeing clients on a regular basis, I'm so privileged to get to join with them in their various journeys.  I get to witness brokenness, growth, confusion, compassion, and progress - sometimes all in one day!  But, most commonly, I get to see dead weight fall to the side.  Dead weight they didn't even know they were carrying.  Dead weight that had no purpose but to take up precious energy and resources from them, stealing joy and creating roadblocks in their journey towards real growth.

Dead weight comes in many forms.  I'm constantly challenged to hand over my worries and concerns to God.  Again and again I am reminded that God is in control, and my weakling efforts to predict and protect my own future are zapping me of my opportunity to stretch my trust and faith in Him alone.  Sometimes my dead weight is a rotten self-image, or a jealous thought that corrupts my core.  Sometimes my doubt drains me dry and I can't help but feel forgotten.

Then, something wonderful happens.  Truth sets the dead weight free.  Truth like "You are fearfully and wonderfully made" or "For I know the plans I have for you" or "Perfect love drives out fear" and even those bits and pieces of a larger picture of Capital-T TRUTH that are deeply rooted in my soul help me shake free from the burden of deception that tries to hang on for good.

Sometimes those dead branches take years and years to rot until they are ready to truly break off.  Sometimes we don't even know they are zapping us dry inside.  Sometimes, like the branch in my yard, it can appear totally normal and part of the whole...until one day it becomes so obvious it was only standing in the way of progress.

We all have dead weight.  And sometimes it will take a thunderstorm to shake it loose before we even know it's there.  But, when that happens, get ready.  Sunshine and new growth are on the way.

Car-tastrophe

I'm a planner.  I'm one of those freaks who likes lists and schedules and routines.  I make big decisions carefully, with lots of annoying research and consultations to back my reasoning for doing something so I can justify it later if need be.

So, when I bought a new car within two-and-a-half-hours of walking onto the CarMax lot, no one was more surprised than me.  Whew!

So long, Sparkle.

Saturday night, I drove to work at Pottery Barn Kids at the mall as usual.  My 2004 Chrysler Sebring named "Sparkle" was fine.  Then, I turn the key in the ignition to go home....and nothing.  My husband and girls came out to give me a jump, but still nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Sparkle was toast.

The next day, we had her towed to a local Firestone where they discovered the entire "Power Control Module" (whatever that is - apparently it's like the heart and brain of the vehicle) was shot.  We could've had it towed to the dealer, spent hours and probably an arm-and-a-leg to find out whether it would be super-expensive or super-duper-expensive to fix her...or, we could bid farewell to ole Sparkle and trust God to provide something right for our budget/family/timing.

It was a stressful weekend, I won't lie.

We had kicked off the weekend by getting up at 5:45am on Saturday and having a miserably unsuccessful garage sale where we made a whopping $20.  I was already tired and annoyed by the time I got to work, I never would have guessed my inconveniences were just beginning.  Ugh.

Days like that are rough.  They feel SO FRUSTRATING, and yet I'm left at the brink of insanity trying desperately to remind myself that really, truly, seriously this is NOT A BIG DEAL.  My family is safe. My family is healthy.  My needs are met.  God is in control and working for my good.

These are all true things.  True things that I had to repeat in my mind over and over and over again Saturday, Sunday, and Monday as my car met her demise and my anxiety rose to new levels.  It was a big deal to me, in this time and place, where my worries were all muddled up into dollar signs and mechanical lingo that was far beyond my realm of understanding.  Not to mention we hadn't even LOOKED at cars or considered what we might get if this ever happened.

But, God knew.  And, fortunately my brother is a Consumer Reports Guru, and my dad has actually built cars, and my husband has a level head that makes practical decisions under pressure.  So, when we came across a solid Toyota Camry that fit our criteria, the clouds parted and we finally felt like a clear answer was in front of us.

Meet "Sprinkles" - yes, my girls named it of course.

I'm glad it turned out to be a rip-the-band-aid-off kind of decision.  I simply do not have the time right now to stay up late reading reviews of cars and building up all kinds of concerns I have no control over (which I seriously would have done if given the opportunity!)  I'm so grateful my car just went ka-put! and I wasn't stranded somewhere unsafe or worse, with my kids with me on the side of the road or in some kind of dangerous situation.  If you have to be stuck somewhere, the mall parking lot is not the worst place in the world.

It was a whirlwind weekend.  God provided a car, and for that I'm grateful.  But, more than that, He shook my faith just enough to bring it back into focus just how well He cares for me.  I pray He provides me the faith to trust Him with a tighter budget, with the care of this new car, and hopefully not have to go through another crazy weekend any time soon to stir-up my gratitude for His provision.

Sometimes the car doesn't start.  Sometimes the future doesn't make sense.  Sometimes plans and budgets and expectations get stalled or stuck or go ka-put.  But, thank goodness, even if the Check Engine light comes on, the Power Control Module of my faith is safe and secure in the hands of the One who restores it constantly.  There's no better warranty in life than that.

Ice Cream for Dinner

I don't particularly believe in "finding balance" in this life.  I think balance is a myth that's mostly idealized in our minds as an un-obtainable reality we long for.  BUT, I do believe in the ebb and flow of chaos!

If parenthood has taught me anything (and of course it has taught me many, many things) it's that my expectations in this life are forever blindsided by these little humans.  Mostly it comes in incredibly rewarding ways - but, flu bugs and bad dreams muddle up the best laid plans in this business.

When the chaos ebbs, life is normal.  There are the occasional storms of tantrums and troublemaking, but for the most part the routines sustain us.  That is, we coast through the normal in preparation for the possible hurricane lurking in the distance.

My oldest daughter will start kindergarten next year.  (That hurricane will come with it's own challenges, but it's still a ways off.)  But, due to schedules and insurance and a whole mess of unimportant details, I decided to go ahead and get her "Kindergarten Shots" taken care of just a couple weeks ago.

I'm a two-birds-one-stone kinda gal, so I brought both my girls into the Pediatrician for their annual "well" check-ups.  What I thought would be a weigh 'em, measure 'em, sort of experience turned into a full-fledged work up.  I'm thankful, don't get me wrong.  I'm SO grateful we live in a time and place where my kids can get their eyes and ears examined, blood pressure taken, etc. and it's part of a normal check-up and not some extraordinary gift that comes once in a lifetime like it is for too many children in other parts of this world.  We take it for granted so often, and I recognize this is an amazing privilege to just "go to the doctor" when they are not even sick!

However, I did NOT prep my eldest for her shots...and the time had finally come.  I wouldn't advise someone to necessarily not tell their kid about getting shots or not - my advice would first and foremost be "You know your kid best."  Period.

So, knowing my kid, knowing that she would have worked her anxious, sensitive-little-self into a tizzy (and by tizzy I mean blood-curdling-scream-fest-panic-attack that would sound like I was skinning a jaguar alive...so, yeah...kind of dramatic) I chose to hold off the news until the very last minute where I could plead innocence and blame the doctors instead.  (This may be a parenting cop-out, but at the end of the day I'm the one who she needs to trust most.) Whew.

So, I had laid awake all night before, worried that my precious child would find out I was a total TRAITOR as I gradually nudged her into the arms of the nurses and doctors who held her fate in a silver tray of FOUR shots they needed to inject into her little body.  (Please do not send me letters about vaccinations, sorry and thank you.)

It could have gone worse...but I'm not sure how.  It was over in probably a few seconds, but it felt like an entire decade went by as I held her and the extremely kind nurses held her down as she screamed in terror.  Yes, I'm making this sound awful - cause it was awful - but, then it was over.  It was over and I held her and assured her she was safe and okay and very, very brave.

And, as I explained to her in the car later, it was "a little bit of very bad for a whole lot of good".  How many times do I need to learn this lesson in my own life?  Again and again, apparently.  There are hard decisions in this life that seem impossible in the moment, but you know it will add up to long-term joy.  There's endless examples of foregoing temporary, instant gratification in exchange for greater goodness later.

The chaos flowed that day.  It was one of those weird days where nothing seemed quite right, schedules were off, and nothing else mattered beyond my reach.  We rented 3 redbox dvds, picked up Happy Meals and headed home emotionally exhausted.

But, as the eye of the storm came into sight and we restored our normality slowly, I took with me the reminder of how God provides us the bravery we need when the hurricanes come, when our days are blindsided with chaos, or when hard decisions don't always seem to make sense.

And then we ate ice cream for dinner.  

Not all instant gratification is bad, you know.  A little bit of good can go a long way at the end of a day covered in band-aids.  The waves of chaos subsided that night as we recovered from our weird little day.

We went to bed with bellies full of dessert and hearts full of relief, and I thanked God for the crazy days that help me appreciate the normal days.  The hard days He uses to shape and grow me.  The difficult days that seem full of terror and confusion.  The burdensome days that seem futile and never-ending.  Those are the days that bring the greatest rewards long-term.  The days that end in ice cream.

Behind the Scenes

So, you may have seen that last week I wrote this article for Venn Magazine, titled "Divorce is Always an Option".  In it, I very vulnerably describe some emotions I felt when I walked through my own divorce several years ago, and how that has impacted my current marriage in a powerful way.

Choosing marriage daily is vital in a world where we are bombarded with options.  Options for who to love, where to invest our time, how to be a better person, why to choose a certain religion, or deciding what I think is best for me based on mostly feelings-in-the-moment.  Options are everywhere all the time.  THIS is why I wrote the article.  To help myself (and maybe others!) remember the COST of some of the options that are so enticing.

It was a hard article to write, and it had been in my brain and heart for a couple years - percolating and waiting to find just the right time and place to post my heart-on-a-platter story.  Venn does a great job at giving "both sides to a story"and uniting ideas that seemingly contradict each other, so I jumped at the opportunity when they liked my pitch for the article.

While I have zero shame attached to my divorce story (thanks to the grace of God and quality therapy), it's never easy to depict such a grief-stricken, brokenhearted time in my life.  I have to wade through the rolodex of memories in the back of my mind, plucking out emotions that I haven't felt in many years, and "relive" them in a sense as I do my best to genuinely convey an honest tale.

So, I almost didn't write it.  I mean, who wants to go there?

It's so easy to leave pain in the foreign land of forgotten memories and let it just rot and die there with the rest of my attachments to that time in my life.  It's long over.  I've obviously moved on.  So, there must be something wrong with me if I'm willing to pick at the wound that's merely a scar that's easily hidden.

Too easy.  And, just like that hidden scar, I kind of wanted to hide this article and not let anyone know about it.

Guys, up until the very day this article hit the web, I doubted it's impact.  Even though these words had been brewing in me for a long time, I was ready to let it skate by unnoticed and not very willing to let God use them however He wanted.  I thought "Eh, maybe I won't tweet about this article or post it on Facebook.  Maybe I'll just let strangers stumble upon it and see what happens."  But, God stirred my heart and so I threw those words out into the light - and oh, God used those words.

The day the article hit the web, I received more emails, more comments, more "shares" than maybe anything I'd ever written before.  Hearts were touched and reminded of the hope that pain and progress hold; and I was put in my place for ever having doubted God's timing for those words.

Satan LOVES insecurity.  Sometimes I think it must be his favorite game to play with us.  And more often than not, I find myself lost in the forest of temptation, bombarded by worries about "What if..."and soon traveling down the path towards "I doubt..."

I'm giving you this behind-the-scenes look into the wild mind of a freelance writer, because I don't want you to read or see that article and think for a second that "Wow, she can just unzip her heart and put it out there for all to see and never have any question!  She must be so confident and trust God all the time!"  Surprise - I'm human.  And full of irrational worries that God holds and molds into something useful that I can actually benefit from.

It's the ugly vessel that is used most often.  I'm learning this over and over again as I continue to ask God to pour and pour and pour through my fingertips.  The more I reveal, the more I fling back the curtain so you all can see the heart that's being molded, the more I feel God can actually use me for His purpose instead of my own.

It's not easy to get gritty and honest with ourselves.  It's even harder to share that with others.  But, looking inside is not the same as looking back.

The pain of the past changes us, and to put away that pain forever would be a misuse of an opportunity to further ourselves, reach out to others, and acknowledge the new abilities of a malleable heart.  Don't tuck away that opportunity forever if you have something in your heart that God is working on.  Ask God to give you the courage and time to reveal those wounds when they can be used for His purpose.  Maybe it's alone in a therapy room speaking with someone confidentially, or maybe it's on a public forum for everyone to see (I do both!)

I'm going to share with you one of my all-time FAVORITE passages out of the Bible.  Yes, it's long.  Ok, it's an entire chapter...but, if you've stuck with me this far, you can keep going.  Let the words sink into your bones.  Let the message reach your heart.  Let God work IN you.  It's uncomfortably comforting, and I pray you'll be blessed from it's truth:

2 Corinthians 4 New International Version (NIV)  [Bold added]

Present Weakness and Resurrection Life

4 Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. ² Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. ³ And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. ⁴ The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. ⁵ For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. ⁶ For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”^[a] made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

¹³ It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴ because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. ¹⁵ All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.