Q&A: Remote Relationship

Q: PardyMama, 
When my hubby gets home from work, all he wants to do is chill.  Why does my husband zone out when we're watching TV??? Why can't he talk to me?  I wish we could communicate more, but I don't know what to do.

Sincerely,

Remotely Uncontrolled

A: Dear RU,

It's frustrating to vie for anyone's attention, especially a person you love.  The TV is tough competition too, with its ability to be all-accepting, non-judging, visually stimulating, and totally entertaining.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to veg-out and relax for a little while, but it's no fun when it's at the cost of someone feeling left out.

Let's give your husband the benefit of the doubt and assume his TV watching has more to do with avoiding everyday pressures than it does with avoiding you.  The TV most likely offers him a chance to decompress and distract himself from the burdens of his day.  Consider his context:  whatever his job may be, chances are good he's being pulled in a lot of directions mentally, or challenged in his cubicle with tasks, or having to prove himself to a boss and provide, provide, provide all day.  The last thing he wants to do when he gets home is provide.  Just like the last thing you want to do at the end of the day is hear the theme song from Veggie Tales (again).  

I would also venture that your needs have to do more with him listening to you talk than actually having him tell you about his day.  (Engagement from both of you is ideal, of course.)  If you are at home with young children most days, chances are good you are eager for human, adult connection by the time he gets home from work.  You've had your fill of cartoons and whiny voices and sippy cups, and finally when you hear him walk through the front door you are offered a mind that has more than Cheerios and Caillou on the brain.  Hallelujah!  Daddy's home!

Two Tips:  

1. Welcome Home

When he first walks in the door coming home from work, HUG.  Hug until you feel the tension of your bodies release.  (Maybe warn him about this new addition to your routine so he isn't blindsided by your assault of affection!)  Now, I know this might sound crazy, but as you hug each other, your bodies will literally "sync up" into a calm state and help regulate one another.   It will help set the tone for the rest of the evening and be an easy first step with zero pressure on either of you to say anything!  You will feel closer to each other regardless of whether the TV gets turned on later or not.

2. Shared Meaning

In order to engage in conversation, you need one thing:  something to talk about!  The more meaning a couple shares, the more they have in common to care about.  In other words, you're going to need to find things you both love together.  This doesn't have to be as hard as it might sound.  You don't have to love football and he doesn't have to love HGTV.  

But, if you want to get to know what's inside that head of his, you have to take part in what's going into it!  Get into a rhythm of enjoying things together again.  Maybe there is a TV show you can both watch together, or silly clips on YouTube, read film reviews on the Internet, read the same books or magazine articles, listen to a podcast you both like, or take part in any activity - be it video games, lawn care, or kayaking.  The more you both mutually care about, the more you find meaning in things together, and the more you will naturally have to talk about.  

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Behind the Scenes

So, you may have seen that last week I wrote this article for Venn Magazine, titled "Divorce is Always an Option".  In it, I very vulnerably describe some emotions I felt when I walked through my own divorce several years ago, and how that has impacted my current marriage in a powerful way.

Choosing marriage daily is vital in a world where we are bombarded with options.  Options for who to love, where to invest our time, how to be a better person, why to choose a certain religion, or deciding what I think is best for me based on mostly feelings-in-the-moment.  Options are everywhere all the time.  THIS is why I wrote the article.  To help myself (and maybe others!) remember the COST of some of the options that are so enticing.

It was a hard article to write, and it had been in my brain and heart for a couple years - percolating and waiting to find just the right time and place to post my heart-on-a-platter story.  Venn does a great job at giving "both sides to a story"and uniting ideas that seemingly contradict each other, so I jumped at the opportunity when they liked my pitch for the article.

While I have zero shame attached to my divorce story (thanks to the grace of God and quality therapy), it's never easy to depict such a grief-stricken, brokenhearted time in my life.  I have to wade through the rolodex of memories in the back of my mind, plucking out emotions that I haven't felt in many years, and "relive" them in a sense as I do my best to genuinely convey an honest tale.

So, I almost didn't write it.  I mean, who wants to go there?

It's so easy to leave pain in the foreign land of forgotten memories and let it just rot and die there with the rest of my attachments to that time in my life.  It's long over.  I've obviously moved on.  So, there must be something wrong with me if I'm willing to pick at the wound that's merely a scar that's easily hidden.

Too easy.  And, just like that hidden scar, I kind of wanted to hide this article and not let anyone know about it.

Guys, up until the very day this article hit the web, I doubted it's impact.  Even though these words had been brewing in me for a long time, I was ready to let it skate by unnoticed and not very willing to let God use them however He wanted.  I thought "Eh, maybe I won't tweet about this article or post it on Facebook.  Maybe I'll just let strangers stumble upon it and see what happens."  But, God stirred my heart and so I threw those words out into the light - and oh, God used those words.

The day the article hit the web, I received more emails, more comments, more "shares" than maybe anything I'd ever written before.  Hearts were touched and reminded of the hope that pain and progress hold; and I was put in my place for ever having doubted God's timing for those words.

Satan LOVES insecurity.  Sometimes I think it must be his favorite game to play with us.  And more often than not, I find myself lost in the forest of temptation, bombarded by worries about "What if..."and soon traveling down the path towards "I doubt..."

I'm giving you this behind-the-scenes look into the wild mind of a freelance writer, because I don't want you to read or see that article and think for a second that "Wow, she can just unzip her heart and put it out there for all to see and never have any question!  She must be so confident and trust God all the time!"  Surprise - I'm human.  And full of irrational worries that God holds and molds into something useful that I can actually benefit from.

It's the ugly vessel that is used most often.  I'm learning this over and over again as I continue to ask God to pour and pour and pour through my fingertips.  The more I reveal, the more I fling back the curtain so you all can see the heart that's being molded, the more I feel God can actually use me for His purpose instead of my own.

It's not easy to get gritty and honest with ourselves.  It's even harder to share that with others.  But, looking inside is not the same as looking back.

The pain of the past changes us, and to put away that pain forever would be a misuse of an opportunity to further ourselves, reach out to others, and acknowledge the new abilities of a malleable heart.  Don't tuck away that opportunity forever if you have something in your heart that God is working on.  Ask God to give you the courage and time to reveal those wounds when they can be used for His purpose.  Maybe it's alone in a therapy room speaking with someone confidentially, or maybe it's on a public forum for everyone to see (I do both!)

I'm going to share with you one of my all-time FAVORITE passages out of the Bible.  Yes, it's long.  Ok, it's an entire chapter...but, if you've stuck with me this far, you can keep going.  Let the words sink into your bones.  Let the message reach your heart.  Let God work IN you.  It's uncomfortably comforting, and I pray you'll be blessed from it's truth:

2 Corinthians 4 New International Version (NIV)  [Bold added]

Present Weakness and Resurrection Life

4 Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. ² Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. ³ And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. ⁴ The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. ⁵ For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. ⁶ For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”^[a] made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

¹³ It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴ because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. ¹⁵ All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Let's Talk GIVEAWAY!

Us moms gotta stick together, right?  Whether we're reassuring each other that it's okay you drove through McDonald's again that week, or sharing how your child threw a Oscar-worthy tantrum in the middle of Target, we need to connect through honest stories and open hearts.

Caption THIS for a chance to win today's GIVEAWAY!

MOPs has been a great resource for many of us moms out there.  Not only do they connect mothers in person - but, did you know they can connect moms from near and far as well?

MOPs has an awesome new webinar series they're starting up called Let's Talk, Darling and it is bound to be chalk-full of encouragement, fun facts, healthy tips, and honest-to-goodness vulnerable moments that each of us need to hear about.

In fact, there's a new webinar premiering TODAY, April 17th at 10am (MST) hosted by Kathi Lipp! Kathi is a full-time speaker and writer as well as being the parent of four young adults with her husband, Roger in San Jose, CA. When she is not doing laundry, she is speaking at retreats, conferences and women's events across the US.

Kathi is also the author of many articles and books including The Husband Project:  21 Days of Loving Your Man, On Purpose and with a Plan.  If that sounds too good to be true, then I'd encourage you to read it for yourself and accept the privilege of falling in love with your hunky hubby all over again! 

And today on PARDYMAMA could be your chance to get a copy of Kathi's book for FREE!

Caption the funny photo at the top of this post in the comments section below, and the best caption will get The Husband Project GIVEAWAY!  How cool is that?  

Now...what do you think these mom friends might be thinking, saying, or chatting about on this fine day????  Be funny, original, or downright HONEST and you could win a copy of Kathi's book!  GOOD LUCK!

And, while you are chatting with your own mom friends today - don't forget to mention MOPs new webinar!  It's sure to stir up some much-needed adult conversations (you know, other than discussing what happened on Curious George last week!)  

Ace Is Wild

I tend to fit in wherever I go.  This is because my usual spots consist of home, church, school, and our neighborhood McDonald's with the grimey indoor playground my kids can't get enough of.  So, when my husband and I recently jet-setted for the weekend to Los Angeles, we decided to make the most of it and stay at the swankiest downtown hotel recommended to us.

The ACE Hotel opened in downtown LA (#dtla) just a few months ago, and it is no doubt the diamond in the rough on Broadway.  This part of the city has changed a lot in the last several months, and it is still in the early stages of its hipster re-gentrification.

While Umami Burger and the historic-Rialto-theatre-turned-Urban-Outfitters clearly designate this as a hip-among-hip part of town, Broadway is still home to many suffering souls huddled on the sidewalk and dilapidated office spaces waiting to be turned into the next Anthropologie or two-story H&M (it's really only a matter of time).  This is to say, LA wouldn't be LA if it didn't redefine hipster by keeping its dirty roots and taking its own sweet time to develop the next trend.

Headquartered in Portland, ACE also has hotels in New York, Palm Springs, Seattle, Panama, and London.  It seems to have found the perfect location to manifest itself in the historical United Artists building downtown LA.  With a vibrant marquee and ornate street front greeting it's guests, there's no question you're about to enter the Narnia of being too-cool-for-school when you walk in.  

As the guy dressed in flannel plaid and skinny jeans introduced himself as our bellhop, I could immediately tell I was not nearly hip enough for this place.  (Which only enticed me all the more.)  I get it, guy with the bolo and blonde mustache, and I am just going to play the part and let you think I don't have two kids back home who are probably watching Mickey Mouse and eating Tinkerbell fruit snacks right now.  

The black and white glam-deco lobby was sporadically spotted with little whimsical sketches.  There was a fat kitty in a bow-tie drawn over the elevator, a chubby bear falling with a cup of coffee between doorways, and little palm trees dotting the landscape up to the high ceiling above.  

This dose of silliness amidst the spectacular architecture was a sure sign to take a deep breath and enjoy my stay; nothing was to be taken too seriously in a place where hand-drawn animals were spying down.

The room we stayed in was pleasant, with the best part being the exquisite attention to detail.  I'm a total sucker for attention to details.  The tv screen said "Welcome to your room, Emily Pardy" and even the tiniest of items had some kind of ACE font/logo scripted on it.  

The colors were calm and consistent.  The lines of the room were minimal and clean.  The entire room was a crisp combination of industrial (concrete exposed floors and ceilings), post-modern/euro (blocks of muted color with sufficient, well-utilized space, but compact at best) and art deco (gold hardware, black lacquer, splashes of ornate detail hidden in the historic leftovers here and there).

The bed was cozy, the robes were divine (like giant, body-sweatshirts), and the service was fantastic.  While the ACE details were simply impeccable (hey, I worked just long enough in marketing to fall in love with typography and consistent branding) it felt polished, not pushy.

The feel of the experience was upscale, with just enough pretentious notes to make me feel like I got my money's worth.  And, while I didn't get to try the food at their slick eatery, LA Chapter located just off the lobby, I did partake in the Stumptown coffee (a nod to their Portland roots) offered at the adjacent bar. 

The rooftop bar, however, was a few steps beyond our cool factor.  While the view from the top was the stuff Hollywood dreams are made of (Hello, Skyline. Hello, hot tub.  Hello, that one B-celebrity that we recognize but can't quite place) the scene was still a bit loud and crowded for my taste.  

Thirty-something singles who can't remember they're not in their twenties anymore filled the rooftop long after their bedtime (Go home and watch Fallon, people).  But, I'd imagine the daytime being far more inviting with such a primo location (I didn't get a chance to see it in the sunshine).

Let's be honest.  We don't get out much.  This hotel is definitely in the top five of amazing hotels Josh and I have ever stayed at (the Roosevelt, another iconic place to stay in Hollywood, also ranking high among the list) and it was a refreshing getaway to play ultra-cool hipsters for the weekend.  All in all, it was totally worth it.  And, it was a great reminder to spend moments with the love of my life sharing experiences that usually only pre-kid-having-with-extra-money-spending-yuppies tend to splurge on.  

It's okay to reach beyond your cool factor now and then!  And while we felt like parents-in-the-wild who got loose from our cage of homeostasis, it was invigorating to stay somewhere we didn't totally fit in.  

If you're considering a weekend away, I say just Go for it, and take a chance on an experience you didn't think you'd ever share as a couple.  Travel beyond your norms and hold each other's hands like teenagers again.  Book a room with your spouse somewhere, and just get OUT for a night or two.  You might find yourselves sipping espresso, staring at silly animal sketches, totally giggling at how you are geeking out on the bellhop's bolo.  

It might be wild, and I think that's just aces.

The Great Escape

Spring break, for me, has never meant bikinis and Coronas.  I don't state that with a shred of regret.  If I'm being honest, a cozy fireplace and a copy of Anne of Green Gables entices me much more.  But, apart from taking a few family ski trips in my childhood, I rarely looked forward to Spring Break mostly because I never had a good excuse to escape.

Well, my friends, my long overdue reason has finally arrived:  crazy children.  And, for the first time in forever (yes, cue the Frozen soundtrack here) both my husband and I actually get a Spring Break from school and work, AND we have a perfect excuse for a trip!  Josh is in one of his best friend's weddings this weekend, so we are flying to Los Angeles today for a weekend getaway.

I woke up early to write this blog, because frankly, it sort of feels like Christmas morning.  That is to say, we've known this day was coming for a long time.  We've saved, planned, purchased, packed, and made extraordinary arrangements so that everything goes without a hitch (well, one hitch if you count the wedding, anyway).  We will only be in California a mere 40 hours (plus about 10 hours total travel time) and I'm determined to milk every second of fun and relaxation out of it.

Couples - you gotta get away.  I'll admit that if my husband wasn't in the wedding, we'd find every excuse not to go.  It's expensive, inconvenient, time consuming, and involves leaving my children with other people which is stressful and guilt-ridden.  BUT, while I've been fighting the dread of anticipation and worrying about how my children will do for the two days their out of my care...I've also been gearing up for a much-needed break away and giddy with romance to spend it with my husband.

This break couldn't come at a better time.  After months of living one of the most insane years of our lives, Josh and I can't wait to be away together.  We've crossed a lot of milestones this year (moving across the country, me starting grad school, buying our first home together) and kept up with the daily grind of work and caring for two lovable hellions along the way.  It's taxing, and we're in the life stage when stress is at its highest.

I'm looking forward to the 4+ hour plane ride in silence.  Not having to worry about whether my child is the screaming banshee everyone gives the stink-eye to on the plane.  I'm looking forward to the hotel.  A posh setting at the ACE Hotel in downtown LA where I'll be writing an upcoming review so everyone can get a sneak peek at why it's worth splurging on your stay away.  And I'm looking forward to seeing and hugging some of my dearest soulmates on the planet whom I miss terribly.  I know it will only last a flash, but there's nothing like actually being back in the presence of people who love and know you well.

And I'm looking forward to reconnecting with my spouse over things like coffee and SkyMall magazine and hotel slippers and fixing his bow tie...instead of just half-telling a story through interruptions of yelling at our kids, fixing dinner, folding laundry, and the girls incessantly talking/screaming/humming/dancing/singing/askingWHY in the middle of it all.  Ahhhh.  Deep breath.

Yes, this is going to be wonderful.  And, while I've stressed about parting from my girls as every mother would, I'm incredibly grateful to live near family who is willing to take them in for the weekend and keep them alive and well while we are gone.  Honestly, the girls are thrilled and couldn't pack their bags fast enough!  Hey, maybe they are equally ready for a break from their parents!  Haha.

Leaving the house, beyond just a regular date night, is not an easy thing to do.  I know it has taken me months to coordinate everything so we could make this happen.  But, I can't encourage you enough to start planning some kind of trip with your spouse.  People will watch your children and keep them alive.  Hotels and flights will have sales that won't break your budget.  Work will wait for you when you get back.  And if you're in a life phase like we are where the majority of your time is spent on nurturing others or looking outside your couplehood, then you truly need to set aside some time/money/energy to invest focus on the foundation of your home:  your marriage.

You don't have to stay at the ACE Hotel (though after my review next week, I hope you do!) or fly across the country to create your escape.  But, however you two can manage to pack a couple bags and look at each other's faces longer than just asking for a diaper change or a refill on a sippy cup, you gotta do it.  Maybe you can even use a wonderful excuse like we are - someone else's wedding - to turn it into a weekend away instead of a family affair.  Too often I feel like I have to wedge my children into every corner of every part of my schedule...but, the reality is, it's perfectly okay (good, in fact) to allow them their own space as well.  This short break away is worth more in the long run than anything I could offer them in the next two days.

And, when we return, ready for hugs from our girls and with stars in our eyes for each other, I'll know we've given our family a great big dose of security and love that nothing else could provide.  A weekend reboot on sanity and romance is not only a fantastic way to spend Spring Break, but it's one of life's necessities for sustaining a solid relationship.  Here we go!

How can you escape with your spouse this Spring Break?  Can you look forward to planning something now for the Summer or Fall?

Empower Tools

This last weekend was P-R-O-D-U-C-T-I-V-E.  Whoa.  My folks were in town and we all went full-throttle on some home repairs/upgrades that required the expertise of my dad's handyman skills.  My husband, Josh, and my dad truly went above and beyond.  They put up bead board, assembled a dresser, built an entire playground in our backyard, fixed a mower, and the list goes on.  If there had been a camera crew here, it would have been "Home Makeover:  Pardy Edition" no doubt.

When Josh had to go back to work, I took over a couple chores with my dad to finish up some of the smaller tasks.  We hung doors to our laundry area, installed a dimmer light, and hung curtains.  But, when my dad stepped outside to look at the mower, I decided to tackle some simple shelving for myself!

In the spirit of March being Women's History Month, here is my feeble attempt at addressing feminine empowerment.  We live in a privileged age:  amazing women before me have gone to great lengths to provide paths for voting, education, and work equality that I take for granted daily.  I don't necessarily consider myself a feminist, but I certainly consider myself privileged to be a woman.  (Roar.)

As a married gal (going on 8 years, woot woot!) I conveniently defer difficult, "icky", or muscle-requiring tasks to my husband.  While our marriage is rather egalitarian, it's practical and easy for us to slip into traditional gender roles when it comes to chores.  He takes out the trash, I do the cooking, that sort of thing.  No bigs, whatevs, it works for us. *shrug*

But, this weekend I was reminded at just how long it had been since I had picked up a drill and hung my own darn shelves.  A LONG TIME.

I love that I have a husband who will hang shelves for me.  I love that I can count on him to care for me through acts of service that help make our house a home.  But, I also love the fact that way back when, my daddy taught me how to use a drill, hammer a nail, and learn the difference between bits and pliers and nuts and bolts.  So...this weekend I hung some silly shelves all by myself and high-fived my feminine self. (Yes, drilled, anchored, screws and all - and perfectly level and centered.  This might not impress you, but I am proud, so let me have my moment!)

The thought occurred to me that as I am raising two girls, they should see their mother hang some shelves now and then.  It's awesome and important for them to know that they can depend on their daddy and to see his skills at work; but, if I always defer to him in my need, how would they ever even learn the fact that I could, indeed, hang the shelves if I wanted to?

I want my girls to grow up with several skills in their toolbox for life.  I want them to witness and learn many things that they decide to develop for themselves.  I want them to understand that skills like empathy, compassion, and forgiveness are vital to relationships.  I want them to feel worthy, valued, and understood when it comes to being well-rounded humans.  And, I want them to know that they can learn any skill they like, and the fact that they want to learn is far more important than how good at the skill they actually are.

Ladies - maybe you are the "handywoman" of your home and your children get to witness those kinds of skills daily.  Or, maybe you are like me and there are some foreign areas of your life and skill-set you haven't visited in a while because you got stuck in a rut!  Regardless, I hope that this little reminder serves as an example of how important it can be to step outside our comfort zone and show our girls that we weren't always people who waited for someone else to take out the trash.  And, let it be a reminder to us that it's okay to let our hubbies off the hook now and then and step up to the plate.

We've come a long way, gals.  Let's continue to make steps (even tiny, baby steps within our home!) that help raise up another generation of strong girls who will care well for themselves and others.  One of the greatest things we can give our girls in their tool box for life begins with empowerment at home.

Planuary

I'm no expert on organization or how to de-crazy your life.  I tend to be a "just-make-it-till-bedtime" kind of mother, and all too often I am left staring at a to-do list with extra tasks still rattling around in my mind.  It never seems to all get done; and if it does, it's an extremely short-lived victory.

So, I've been trying my best over the last few weeks on "break" to summon the strength and motivation in order to plan for a bit more sanity in the year ahead.  My three "tips" below aren't original necessarily innovative.  But, they are simple, attainable, and it's what I plan to implement into my own life this year so that I can reach beyond survival mode and actually thrive amidst the mayhem.

Welcome to PLANUARY: my game plan for sanity this January which I hope inspires motivation in the days ahead.

1. MEAL PLAN is a four letter word in my home.  
Two four letter words for that matter.  Ugh.  The thought of it is intimidating and wearisome, I get it.  But, instead of planning out an entire month, or even three meals a day for an entire week - limit it to the one meal everyone has on their minds:  Supper.

Almost every day I felt this burden for coming up with a grand idea for sustaining the nourishment of my family and creating a Norman Rockwell moment at 6pm each night.  Rarely did this actually happen.  And, when left with no default to lean back on, I would all-to-often end up ordering pizza and justify the expense (both financial and caloric) with my stressful state and busy calendar.

Sure, pizza night is gonna happen once in a while - it should!  But, I want to plan for it, enjoy it, and indulge guilt-free.  While we might scrounge for breakfast and lunch (keeping bread, eggs, lunchmeat, and canned soups on hand is not so difficult after all) I know exactly what we're gonna have for supper that night.

Keeping it simple:  Take inventory of what you have.  List meats and sides, and then match them up and cross them off the list.  Then, jot it down on a place where you can SEE it.  Don't think about it too much - just look at the days you know you will be home for supper and write down the idea (be sure to note if you need to defrost something ahead of time).  You don't need to roast a turkey every Wednesday - I have "frozen pizza" down for Friday night because I know that's a high-risk-ordering-in night for me.  Be practical, realistic, and only take it one meal/one week at a time.  If I can do it, you can do it!  Honestly, to look over and know what's for dinner is a HUGE relief for me.  It eliminates the guessing game and the burden, which is well worth the 20 minutes each weekend to look in my cabinets and write it out.

2. CLEAN HOUSE - what's that?
I can't imagine the thought of having every room clean in my home.  I go to bed thinking "Tomorrow I will have the energy to tackle this, this, and also that." Then I wake up early to the grumpy sounds of children arguing and everything shifts to the bottom of the totem pole until it's suddenly the end of the day and there are even more Cheerios ground into my carpet.  How do you spell frustration? C-h-i-l-d-r-e-n   I get it.

Keeping it simple: Don't tackle the whole house.  Don't even try a whole floor.  Just start with the most disgusting room (or closet, or counter, or teeny-tiny shelf) in your home and get it satisfactory.  No one is coming in with white gloves to test your cleaning skills, no one is bringing you a trophy later for your endeavors, no one is probably going to even notice that your toilet bowl went from Frat-boy-status to Mr-Clean-worthy.  Don't kill yourself, just do what you can and high-five yourself.

We ALL have dishes.  We ALL have laundry on our floors.  We ALL have swept those Cheerios under the couch before our playdate arrived.  Life happens and you can't live under the burden of maintaining a June Cleever home.  You are not alone - but, you are also not a pig.  You have 10 minutes to tackle ONE thing and it will make everyone feel better.  The best part?  Cleaning ONE thing usually is all the motivation I need to tackle just one MORE thing (when I have time).  And while it might not last for long, it's the small victories that help us sleep at night.

3. SAVE THE DATE - for your marriage.
Ever get those adorable "Save the Dates" in the mail for your friend's wedding?  Don't they look so picturesque and romantic?  While they might remind us of younger years when it was easier to go out and be alone with your hunk of a husband, it also can make me sigh in jealousy wishing life wasn't too crazy for dating the man I love.

Week to week is bogged down with obligations.  If I wait until Thursday to figure out a plan, I'm way too late.  If I can't find child care, I give up.  There are many hurdles when it comes to finding alone time with our spouses.

Keeping it simple: Text your babysitter RIGHT NOW - ask her for a free Friday night in February or March and then MARK IT ON THE CALENDAR.  Tell your husband to make sure that night is clear.  Put the date in your phone/email/planner so that you are sure to schedule around it.  If your doctor or friend or child's teacher asked you to save a date, you would.  Don't put your hubby at the bottom of the list.  Stick a happy post-it note on your fridge (right next to those wedding invites) and save the date.  You have plenty of time to think up fun and cheap ideas for what to do with that night, as well as save back some change to blow for the event (no matter how small or big).



That's it!  Choose one - or all - to implement into your own crazy life.  Send me YOUR ideas for how you plan to shift your focus, ease your guilt, or save your sanity this year!  As we exchange ideas and encourage one another, we might just make it to 2015 with smiles on our faces.  :)

TBT: 50 Shades of Marriage

Now that the movie for "Fifty Shades of Grey" is all abuzz, I'm re-posting this blog for ThrowBack Thursday.  I'll admit I was rather hot-headed about the issue when I originally wrote this post about 18 months ago - but, I stand by my every word below.  I don't really care whether you read the book or see the movie - I care about your thought-life, your marriage, and your focus on what nurtures your life and your marriage.  We have far better things to focus on within our REALITY than anything fantasy could ever offer.  

Original post:

Chances are good that by now you have heard about the book "50 Shades of Grey" - either on a talk show or on Facebook or even from a friend or neighbor.  I heard about it on the Today Show, and was pretty appalled to hear that this new, sleazy series has swept the globe with such popularity.  They are calling it "mommy porn"...erotica that women evidently don't have to be ashamed to keep on their nightstand for the world to see.

Well, here at pardymama, I try to walk the line of airing my opinion whilst remaining compassionate in judgment.  I'm not here to say "don't do this or that" - I'm far from being your Holy Spirit.  But, it is my blog and frankly, I get to write what I want about whatever I want, so here we go...  Personally, I will not be reading "50 Shades of Grey".  Not only does it kinda gross me out at the thought of putting descriptive words about S&M in my head, but I have no desire to seek out sexual escape that reaches beyond my marriage.  That being said, feel free to judge me about making a judgment about something I haven't and won't take part in.  Fair enough.

So, why am I even writing this post?  

Because, I'm seeing crap about this stupid book everywhere.  And, what I find most troubling is the sense I get that so many women are desperate for an outlet beyond the boundaries of their bedroom, their marriage, and their every day life.  We're not talking about your usual mental escape either...this is not to say that every form of entertainment is worthless or without merit.  I enjoy a good story, a great movie, an uplifting read just like the rest of us.  But, certainly you can see the difference between watching Dumb and Dumber on a Saturday afternoon with your husband (albeit, no merit for the intellect) and losing yourself in some pornographic trilogy about a sadist millionaire.

This is what I'm saying:  as Christians, as wives, as mothers...red flags should be popping up on our radar when so many women are seeking fantasy.  This is dangerous stuff, wildfire even.  It's not that "50 Shades of Grey" is the problem...it's what it represents.  The popularity of such material just showcases the fact that "maybe something better exists out there" - a tease at our fantasy world, an escape from our life of burp rags and dish gloves, an outlet away from our husband who forgot to pick up the gallon of milk.

Fantasy for women is very emotional, and leaves us heartsick at the notion that either we aren't good enough to be worthy of a better life, or resentful at the fact that we deserve more.

Entertaining thoughts of a better life than the one God has given us stirs in our souls a belief that is nothing more than a downright lie:  "I'm missing out".  If you don't believe me, just ask Eve...you can start at Genesis 1:1 and go from there and give me a call when you get to the good part.

So, I'm here to say, guard your heart.  This isn't about sex.  This isn't about a pop-culture-phenomenon-book they are talking about on Entertainment Tonight.  This isn't about "but, Emily, you don't understand...my husband is so blah blah blah".  I understand there are hurting marriages out there, and there is actual, tangible help available for you to heal and find God's BEST for you.  But, to the majority of us - be wise and aware to the warning and quick to question whatever "fantasy" that you might partake and what it may actually be rustling up in you.

Maybe, it's not so much that you need a new partner as it is you need a new perspective.  

Remember when you first started dating your husband and you just felt like he was your entire world?  As your marriage grows and your love deepens and your kids start eating into your time together, it is amazing how roles in relationships change.  Sure, there is the mundane - the fact that my spouse is the handyman and the trash man and the tech geek and even the kitty litter changer.  But, he is so much more than that.

The next time you are tempted to wish for a new life or a different spouse, I want you to remember that God has given you a man who is a perfect fit to fulfill all the roles you need him for in your life together as a married couple.  In other words, it's what I like to call:

50 Shades of Marriage

1. Helper
2. Partner
3. Teammate
4. Lover
5. Comrade
6. Companion
7. Sweetheart
8. Co-conspirator
9. Accessory
10. Collaborator
11. Paramour
12. Flame
13. Darling
14. Dear
15. Beloved
16. Admirer
17. Treasure
18. Heartthrob
19. [the] One
20. Biggest Fan
21. Encourager
22. Defender
23. Follower
24. Champion
25. Cheerleader
26. Ally
27. Spouse
28. Compadre
29. Kin
30. Associate
31. Counselor
32. Better Half
33. Ball and/or Chain
34. Helpmate
35. Peer
36. Friend
37. Playmate
38. Bedmate
39. Sidekick
40. Accomplice
41. Complement
42. Date
43. Crony
44. Chum
45. Buddy
46. Rib
47. Steady
48. Aide
49. Supporter
50. Soulmate

What more could you possibly want?

Keep it Simple: Confessions of a Mult-Tasker

Women are known to be superior multi-taskers.  Mothers are the super-human versions of the ultimate multi-tasker, wearing multiple hats that help them meet the needs of others, their home, and themselves.

This morning, my 2-year-old woke me up at 4am.  I heard the "click-clunk" of her door opening and her little feet pattering in hall coming my way.  I got out of bed, met her at the doorway, and scooped her up in my arms.  She didn't say anything, no crying or whining, and she simply melted into my neck as I breathed in whole hunks of her whispy hair that still smelled of sleepiness.

Who knows what woke her up?  A bad dream, a strange sound, or maybe just restlessness had prompted her to crawl out of her crib at an ungodly hour and come find comfort.  Either way, she just needed her mama.

I rocked her in my arms a bit before returning her to bed.  I swayed back and forth, stroking her hair and rubbing her little back, remembering the hours I would spend doing this when she was but an infant.  I am so grateful for these times when my being provides everything that is an answer to her needs - I know it won't always be so simple.

In my weariness, this sweet moment made me nostalgic, and I thought to myself - Oh how I wish I could only be a mother.  I laid my sweet baby in her bed and snuck quietly out of the room, miraculously not waking her sister laying in the toddler bed only a foot away.  I went to go back to sleep, and spent the next hour pondering the sadness of my nostalgic thought.

Then, it occurred to me:  What if I gave myself the freedom to just be a mother? What would it look like to just let myself do that?  I don't need to be everything all at once all day long.  I can't be.  Why am I trying to be, for goodness sake.

I'm wearing a lot of hats these days.  As a wife and mother, a writer, and a grad student, I often feel like I'm working three full-time jobs with no pay.  My days are filled with the hazy lines of where one part of me ends and the other begins.  I find myself increasingly frustrated with not being able to "find balance" or multi-task beyond my capacity.

When I first became a mother, I had three glorious months of maternity leave.  I stayed home, stared at my baby, and knew it was a sacred time in my life that would be short-lived.  It wasn't "easy" by any means, but it was simpler and such a special time in my life that it needs no romanticism to be remembered as lovely.

When I returned to work, I had a new schedule that included working from home one day a week.  This started off fine - as my newborn slept on and off throughout the day and remained immobile in her swing or bouncy seat while I did the work I needed to do.  However, as my baby grew, so did her needs; and it wasn't long before I yearned for the separation between work and home as I chased my crawling child, made a phone call, attempted to nurse her, and answered emails all at the same time.  It was crazy-business, and it made both jobs SO much harder.

Here I am again.  I have two kids who I desperately want to engage with.  I have the luxury of being able to stay at home with them and be with them.  And I am constantly allowing myself to be bogged down with the pressures of work and school that are all vying for first place in a mental race inside my head.

I'm needing to re-establish some serious boundaries in my life.  I'm realizing that motherhood is the only job that doesn't allow for you to tell others "I'm sorry, can't you see I'm working right now?  That will have to wait."  If I was sitting in a cubicle at a computer, I would never expect another employer to walk up to me and ask me to mop the floor while I was sitting there.  See what I mean?  So, why am I expecting myself to be able to work for multiple "employers" all at the same time?  I'm just being a bad boss if that's what I expect.

I need to let work be work time (even if it's at 5 in the morning like today), let school be school time (even if it means watching less TV), let couple time be couple time (oh yeah, I have a husband I adore), and let mommy time be mommy time.  I want to want to be there for my kids.  I'm tired of letting my other (albeit important) tasks interrupt the focus of my life.

I needed to be reminded that life can be simple.  It can be me, holding my child, just swaying and praying, and that is more than enough to take up all of me in that moment.  I'm praying now for God to help me be able to establish clear lines of how to appreciate it all, but not feel like I need to do it all at once.  I'm called to be a wife and mother, a writer, and a grad student at this time in my life.  This season is not as simple as I might have once thought it would be, and maybe you know how this feels too.

How many jobs are you trying to do at once?

If you're like me, then it's rare that you just hold your kid and only be a mom for a moment.  I'm always thinking ahead to the next chore on my list:  what emails need to be sent, what chapters need to be read, that project I'm presenting, that paper that's due soon, what blog should I be working on, that article I'd like to write, those contacts I need to connect with, that phone call I should return. those library books that are overdue, the milk that's running low, the meat I forgot to thaw, the oil change that my car needs, the birthday card I have to get, that check I need to mail, etc. etc. etc.

Welcome to the mind of a woman, right?

How did my life get so crazy that I'm trying to juggle all these things at once!?  (And I'm guessing your life is no less crazy - we each have our own version of juggling mayhem!)  I remember learning to juggle tennis balls in gym class.  I was never very good at juggling, but one thing I do know is that when you learn to juggle, you don't throw all the balls up in the air all at once - you'll only watch them all fall down in chaos.  But, if you keep your eye on one ball at a time, you can get into a rhythm that allows you to focus on each one of them in their given time.

I know I can't always keep the boundaries from intersecting.  Sometimes I will have to stop swinging my girls and take a phone call.  Sometimes I'll need to put my kids in front of the TV so I can cook dinner or write an urgent email.  And sometimes it will be a great example for my girls to see that their mom loves what she does by using the gifts that God has given me and why it's important to work hard.

But...most times...being a mom is the only thing I need to be for my kids.

They don't need me to be a student, or a writer, or a great cook, or a perfect housekeeper, or a super hero.  I can't juggle it all on my own, and I want my girls to grow up knowing that I didn't!  I have a supportive team and a mighty God who is here to keep me in line and encourage me along the rocky road of life.  And, I have two sweet daughters who gave me the (literal) wake-up call to remember how simple it really can be.

[Time to put the computer away.  My mommy shift is about to start.]

The New Job

My husband has a new job!  After three-and-a-half months of waiting, Josh started his new job yesterday (can I get a Hallelujah?)!

Time to dust off those dress shoes!

Because so many of you walked this journey with us, I wanted to let you know how truly incredible God is in granting us the opportunity of this new job.  The first day for him to put on a tie and show up on time and meet with new people and earn a paycheck started yesterday...but, in reality, the beginning of this job started long before.

About a month after we moved here, we saw a listing for a job at the new school where Josh is working.  He was really interested in the school, but in complete honesty, he wanted to head into a Marketing position, and the job that was posted was not in marketing.  He was qualified for the job, however, so we began to pray about it.

For one, beggars can't be choosers...and we needed a job.  More than that, however, we decided as a team that we couldn't limit God to what we wanted.  How did we know what God had in store?  Who were we to try and cage God into the scope of our view?  God is so, so much bigger.  And, holding onto the truth that God wants the best for us, Josh humbly applied for the posted position.

Six weeks later, long after we thought the time had passed to even be considered for the position, Josh got a call to interview.  By the third interview, weeks into the process, something extraordinary happened:  the Head of the School had noticed that his gifts seemed to be steered toward creative ideas, and that he had real strength in brand management.  Little did we know, they were already considering bringing on a new person in Marketing full-time...and suddenly they were interested in Josh for a completely different position.

Josh came home that day awestruck, and we were dumbfounded at how God was working behind the scenes on our behalf.  Our journey of faith that took us 2,000 miles and three months into an unknown future were culminating into dreams we never imagined possible.  It wasn't going to magically resolve all our questions or dilemmas, but it was going to prove the unchanging faithfulness of God's direction in our life yet again.

The first day on the job was wonderful.  He is sipping from a blasting fire hose of new information, no doubt, every first-day-on-the-job feels overwhelming and exhilarating at first.   But, each person he has met has welcomed him with joy and affirmation.  He's right where he's meant to be, learning and growing and excited to use the talents that God has instilled in him.

We don't yet know the full extent that this new job holds for Josh.  Every job has its difficulties, and I'm sure as time goes on this one will present it's own challenges in one way or another.  Faithfulness does not make one immune to uncomfortableness...in fact, it inevitably secures it.  But, right now we are so grateful to be resting in the assurance that we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

Thank you, again, to all of you who have supported us through this crazy time in our lives.  We knew that at some point we would find our "new normal" and it feels like we are finally hitting our stride in our new city.  I know it will take months to continue to adjust to the changes...but, for now, the changes  have plateaued to a palatable level.

If you are waiting on God...if you are searching for answers...if you are frustrated by lack of direction...wait.  Time is a real element that God utilizes for His plans.  Time is never wasted when it grows faithfulness.  And time is sometimes all that's standing between you and the great big God that is working behind the scenes on your behalf.  Hang on.

Victory!

Guys.  I'm starting this story at the end, and trust me, you will still want to read it after I tell you the best part.  Here goes:  The job search is over.  JOSH GOT A JOB!

I've had a bottle of champagne sitting at the back of my fridge allllll summer, and now - it's time to celebrate!  I am beyond thrilled to announce that after three and a half long months, my husband is going to be the Marketing Coordinator at a local, private school. Hallelujah!  Praise be!  Thank you, Jesus!

And now that you know the ending, just wait until you hear the whole story...

He first applied for a job at this school about 10 weeks ago (whew!)  It was actually for a different  position, and one that he was unsure of taking.  He knew he could do it, but if you asked him what he would truly want to do, what his gifts and desires were directing him towards, he would have told you his dream job would have been to step over fully into a marketing position.  Truth be told, it took a bit of a prayer and twisting of his arm to get him to apply in the first place.  But we prayed about it, and he knew our God was not limited to an application, and so he took yet another step of faith and wholeheartedly put his hat in the ring.

A good six weeks later, he accepted a position at Trader Joe's, a local grocery store that we love (and who's roots are in California, so it really felt like a piece of home for us!)  We are SO incredibly grateful to Trader Joe's, and we were bursting at the seams to tell everyone that he got hired there - except that, the day after he started there, the school finally called to interview him!  All this to say, we've kept silent about this job journey the last several weeks because we didn't want any potential employers to question the loyalty or schedule of what we were pursuing.

You get it.  Job hunting is hard enough!  It was the best problem we'd had in weeks - to have been hired at a (albeit, most likely temporary) position while interviewing for a prestigious opportunity.  We didn't want to confuse the situation by having "Found a job!" posted on a status update and muddling the unemployed waters.  So, thanks for understanding and respecting our roll-out of this info!

A couple interviews at the school later, and God shook the very ground we were standing on.  After interviewing Josh for a different position, the head of the school saw something in him that revealed the talents and passion he had for marketing.  It was one of the most affirming moments I've witnessed in his life, and I'm so grateful God placed someone at the right place and time to recognize and distinguish this in him.  Two more interviews (and a few more weeks) later...and it's official.  He got the job.

We are ELATED.  We are so so so so grateful.  We are blown away by the goodness of others and the goodness of God.  A year ago I would have told you that we would have NEVER moved here without a job, or that it would be impossible to do so, or that it would be irresponsible, or that there's just no way we could have survived three and a half months with no income.  But, here we are.  Because....because God.  The end.  Because we listened and obeyed, and really, really, really NOTHING more.  God made it all happen.  Only God.

And here's where I get real honest with you.  Here's the part where you are feeling all "oh, how nice that worked out for you" and I'm about to blow that thought right out of the water for you...so, just keep reading.

The night before we got the job, God told me something.  He said, plain and simply, "You know that if he gets this job it doesn't solve your problems, right?  Only I can do that."  I kind of brushed that off and said another prayer for the job, and then I BEGGED God for the job and then I thanked God and still said "but, please God, seriously, please let him get this job".  I didn't quite let what God told me sink in all the way.  I wanted Josh to get that job.  It would be A problem solved, and so my heart and mind were set on that.

Then, he got the job.  And, I felt relief.  I felt joy.  But...I didn't feel any more secure than I had the day before.  In fact, neither Josh nor I jumped up and down like we had in the past when much smaller victories were won (You got a call baaaack!!!!  You got an interviewwwww!!!)  Not this time.  This time was different.

Josh got the job.  Hallelujah.  But, that's not the victory here.  The victory - the moral to the story - is the three and a half freaking months that came before the job.  The miracle is the survival, the journey, the long road of impatience and questions and doubting.  The loving marriage that sustained the waves of tumultuous worry.  The food on the table brought by friends.  The cards of encouragement and support sent by loved ones.  The pride found in working a blue-collar job.  The strength of a family cared for by a community and body of Christ.  THAT'S OUR VICTORY.

I never could have guessed it.  Even a few weeks ago I could have told you what this blog post could have looked like - a long and relentless bragging about my husband and how awesome he is and how good God is for rewarding his efforts.  No.  Not at all.  Don't get me wrong - Josh is my hero - but, we're giving credit where credit is surely due, and that goes entirely to Jesus.

Here's something else - Satan hates it when we give Jesus the credit.  And today, just as we were eager to awake with feelings of assurance and celebration, we were spiritually attacked from all sides as Satan did his best to steal our joy and distract us from the goodness of God.  I'm really being honest here, gang.  Today was ROUGH.  Even my daughters were stressed out and overly emotional and the littlest things seemed like the end of the universe in our home.  Each one of us was in a terrible mood, annoyed and frustrated, irrationally snappy and completely out of sorts.

We literally had to stop in the middle of our morning and pray aloud in our living room to just invite the Holy Spirit to be present with us, to help us focus on His peace and faithfulness, and to not let anything distract us from the beauty of the moment and the assurance of God's goodness.

But, here we are.  We are here to CELEBRATE and let you know that God IS good.  Wholly good.  And the job is wonderful...but, it is merely a facet in the structure that is our lives as they should be lived out according to God's will.  We are grateful - but, not fooled by the false sense of security that money and benefits offer in this world.  We are humbled, and we are sincerely blessed by the long three and a half months where our faith was stretched far beyond the boundaries of our liking.

Thank you, thank you, thank you - to each of you who prayed for us, supported us, encouraged us, and fought the good fight through the victory of the wait.

God is using us here.  God has big plans for us.  God is good - really - all the time.

We're so grateful to celebrate God's goodness with you!