Choosing to quit a steady job is difficult and strange, especially when you don’t know what is next. It had been a long process of prayers and contemplation as we took the official step of Josh quitting his job, planning our move across country, and not having a job lined up for us when we got there.
I’m sure if you think about this for a minute, you have many of the same questions I had. It’s funny, because as your loved ones watch you take this step of faith, they also begin to worry that you’ve lost your mind – something I also took into consideration! People tiptoe around reminding you that you have children to provide for, bills to pay, and no guarantees for the future…as if these are things that you haven’t pined over in the middle of the night, tearfully pleading with Jesus for a neon sign to show you the answer.
|Just a couple angry toddlers here.|
Questions and worries plague us as normal human beings, as parents, and as a couple that hopes for things like “a house with a yard” someday, let alone how to afford rent and health insurance on no income. Trust me, whatever it is you are questioning, I have thought of it, I have worried about it profusely, I have taken it into account…and so has Jesus. (But, thank you for the concern.)
The thing is, when it comes to obedience, I could either choose to trust Jesus or not. Bottom line. We do everything we can within our limited power to take opportunities and make the best of them, while constantly and prayerfully handing them over to God for His guidance and direction.
And, you know what, somehow, some way, we are here in Nashville with full bellies and a roof over our head and clothes on our bodies. We are alive and will give God the glory. If that’s not a testament to His provision, I don’t know what is.
Daily. Daily, I am reminded that today was another day God provided. DAILY. Thank you, Jesus.
But, it is not easy to praise Jesus when He doesn’t give you what you want when you want it. If you don’t agree with that, then you are probably lying. (I’m just saying!) I can act just like my toddlers throwing a tantrum for a toy in the middle of Target that I won’t buy for them. I want to scream and pout and kick things, I’m so angry. I want to demand reconsideration for what I think I DESERVE. I huff and I puff, and I crumble into a messy fit of confusion. And I always end with the same frustration: it doesn’t make sense.
And then I cry out to Jesus. And then I see His face. And then I feel His arms. And then I’m reminded of what a bloodsucking, bratty little sinner I am…and how I should get kicked to the curb and forgotten about and instead, here I am, getting comforted by the reality of a God who has given me so much, and I’m split open by the brutal irony of His love for me in one realization: IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
It doesn’t have to make sense to me. Living faithfully, living obediently, doesn’t come with the stamped regularity of a direct-deposit check into my bank account. There’s nothing wrong with making a steady income – that’s a good thing and I look forward to it again!
But, there’s something very wrong with hanging my hat on it. There’s something ridiculous about placing my security in my efforts or the abilities of my husband, or even in the trust of the next employer who reads my husband’s resume.
God is in charge. God has not forgotten us. God will bring a job in His time, for His purpose. God will continue to provide. And we will continue to bring our messy selves to His feet and be reminded of His non-sensical love and provision for us.
More on this nonsense tomorrow!