Baby Nails

So I just trimmed Matilda's tiny little baby nails...again. I think I have to clip them at least once a week, an event we all look forward to (shaking my head). Trimming baby nails is like playing a game of Jenga with dynamite. You are soooo careful - but one tiny little wrong move and kablammo! your child is now bleeding.

It's only happened once - a little too close on that elusive little pinkie nail - and a teensy polka dot of red deems you a terrible mother. It is so nerve wracking! And what can you do about it? The thing is, the trimming of the baby nails is such a catch 22. You are going about your day with your fair-skinned baby looking chipper and cute when all of a sudden you notice a fine, pink streak across her cheek or nose. Dang those nails - too long! She's scratched herself again.

So, you tackle her down, distracting her with songs you don't know the lyrics to and have to replace every other word with new vocabulary that has seeped it's way into your everyday language such as "doody" or "binky" and you blind her with the glare of lights that could be used for mining coal and you ever so gently go about the impossible task of taking a tiny, sharp object to remove the slightest millimeter of dead skin while your baby squirms and jerks like a slippery fish out of water. Voila! You've done it! Then, half an hour later, once you've had your fifth cup of coffee for the day and are now one whole third of the way through the same Oprah you've been trying to watch all day, you notice your baby child has yet another scratch on her beautiful little face. "But I just trimmed her nails!" you say. Indeed - only to sharpen one corner here or there into a baby size ginzu knife...and the process repeats itself.

When I bought my baby nail trimmers, it also came with a set of baby emery boards. The imagery it brought to mind was ridiculous. I could see little baby girls standing in line for the changing table at the mall, paci's in mouth and wearing their latest osh kosh b'gosh jean jackets and filing their little baby nails while crying little baby girl cries with little baby valley girl accents. Priceless. If only these little baby nail files weren't a joke - but they are. You totally can't file a baby's nails. Not only will they not sit their long enough for it to be feasible, but turns out baby nails are made of tissue paper. They are way too flimsy to file...so, trim trimmery we must.

Don't even get me started on the toes.