Jack Bauering Motherhood One Day at a Time

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Anyone else watching 24? We've been championing Jack Bauer for years now, and still he holds our attention every Monday night. It's motivating to approach life the way Jack does - with that Nike-just-do-it energy and that no-holds-barred passion for justice. If only I could harness that amount of gusto and channel it into the small everyday tasks like dishwashing and laundry. Still, it made me think. Maybe there ARE some things I can tackle better than Jack. Thus, I present to you:

The Top Ten Reasons You Are Glad Jack Bauer Is Not Your Mother
10. He would know where you are at all times.
And not just like "Oh, my kid is probably at Susie's after school". No, he would have you microchipped, have your cell phone traced and could know your lat/long stats at all times.
9. You would never eat.
Jack never stops for a meal, not even drive-thru. You'd better learn to cook for yourself or attempt to lie, cheat, or steal your way through a supermarket while Jack's not looking (see number 10)
8. He could ALWAYS tell you "I told you so".
Jack always knows better. No matter what you know, Jack knows more. Even if you are inventing something brand new for the first time and you are the actual source of information from which the news originates - Jack knew before you.
7. He would background check your friends - and potentially cut their hands off.
Boyfriends, girlfriends, pretty much anyone you hang around with, you can be guaranteed Jack will know their backgrounds and use what he knows to convince them to either pledge their sole allegiance to the greater good or be scared out of their minds to even attempt a facebook friend request.
6. He would never make it to your recital.
As much as he would like to put it on the calendar and be there to show his full support, Jack can never ever promise to keep a schedule. Forget school plays, parent-teacher conferences, and you'd better plan to carpool with Susie home from that football game too.
5. Everything has a password or lock on it.
Since Jack can break into any building, car, or electronic device, he keeps everything on complete lockdown at all times. And we don't just mean motion detector spotlights on the lawn - we're talking fingerprint-sensor-on-the-cookie-jar, or retina-scan-for-the-remote-control kind of lockdown. Your house might be the most secure place on the block - if only you could get into it.
4. Better do the laundry yourself.
Jack doesn't seem to mind not changing clothes or showering (no matter how much blood he sheds), so you can't count on him to have the home stocked with soap, softener, or even quarters for the local coin mat. It might not be a bad idea to keep a Tide pen on hand either. You'd hate for those new jeans to be ruined by a simple shank in the thigh.
3. You can never get sick.
Jack will never have time to take you to the doctor and even if he did, he wouldn't. Jack is more about efficient care than long-term healing. But, he can fashion a sling or tournaquette out of just about anything and cyphen electricity into a homemade defribulator when necessary. Jack = Dr. MacGyver
2. No family vacations.
Between Chinese prisons or African refugee camps, Jack doesn't have any interest to go out and see the world. Don't count on Jack booking any Disney vacations or European adventures either...where there's tourism, there's terrorism - and that's no vacation when your mother is Jack Bauer.
1. He will never trust you.
Nina, Tony, and a slew before you have ruined Jack's ability to trust completely. It's not that he doesn't want to trust you, but he can't. The man's been burned just too many times. Be on guard and always, always tell him the truth. Remember, he already knows it anyway (see #8).

1 comment:

  1. Even though I've lost touch with 24 in recent years, it was fun to be reminded of how totally awesome Jack Bauer is. He can kick anyone's booty and look good doing it. Now that you mention it though, I am glad that he isn't my mom. This was a witty, enjoyable read. I'm so glad you're sharing your word-weaving talents with the world!


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